Use Your Loaf

I spent yesterday working on a short story inspired by my own post about mum and toddler spaces in supermarket car parks. I got a first draft together quickly (too quickly in retrospect!)and posted it for my writing group to crit. It went down okay but the overwhelming feeling was that the clues I'd laid (it was a twist in the tale) were too subtle. A bit too 'off camera'. So I put it to one side to work on today and then DUR! I remembered my daughter's partner, Tom, is in security and thought he might be able to help me with research.

I texted him and yes, he's been a great help. In fact, I'd made some silly assumptions regarding police procedure following a pickpocketing. Note to self: Check your facts! A writer owes it to her reader to get the basics right!

I've almost re-written the thing now, but I'm still not convinced it's working. I'm hoping to target Take A Break with it (primarily because they're the best payers!) and really had my sights set on the weekly issue but now I'm going through the editing, I can see it needs more room for the plot to unfold. I reckon the finished story will come in around 1500-2000 which is far too long for the weekly issue, but it still may suit TAB's monthly Fiction Feast. And if it isn't suitable I can try a few other magazines...Woman's Weekly might go for it.

Anyway, as I've been mulling over it in my head, I baked a cheese and onion loaf.

First time I've done this recipe in the bread maker. Must make a note of the timings/heat settings so I can repeat the success.

Transport

Well, the new car arrived yesterday - a Zafira to replace the Renault Scenic. I loved that old Scenic. For a start, though it had manual transmission, it had an automatic brake which meant I didn't have to remember to apply it when I switched off the engine...always reassuring when parking up or down hill! It also had a push-button ignition - no twiddling with a large bunch of keys. I just had to remember to have the card reader thingy in my pocket or handbag and Robert's your mum's brother.

I knew I'd wander off topic but anyway - on the subject of keyrings...mine was given to me by my South African writing friend, Ginny, when she came over to the UK a few years back. It's made from twisted wire and orange beads in the shape of a gecko and I love it!
Dangling from this is another keyring containing a pic of my 4 kids, the car key (obviously), a front door house key, a back door house key, a key to the safe (presently empty in case you were thinking of mugging me), one rogue key I daren't throw away because I have no idea what if anything it opens, last but not least, my Tesco points card.
So it's pretty bulky as you can imagine. When the ignition key is inserted, the rest of the bunch swings precariously against my knee - because I'm short and have to practically sit on the dashboard to reach the pedals.

The Scenic also had a handy card recognition system which meant the vehicle would open its doors as I approached it. And no, I was never in fear of car-jackers taking off in it because without the card-reader with them the thing was immobilised.

So back to the new car - I drove it for the first time this morning...down the by-pass on my way to collect morning goods from the bakery. The gears were smooth, the pick-up equally so and the suspension seemed better than the Scenic.
Windscreen wipers took a bit of getting used to - sorting out the intermittent setting from the 'powerful enough to remove a stray bull elephant from the windscreen'. The latter useful on safari tours.

Oh, and the traffic update caught me by surprise. There I was dawdling along when a Radio Lincs traffic warning thundered into my peaceful bubble and I almost crashed into the central reservation! But once I get these little niggles sorted and my fluffy cat sitting on the dashboard, my Bagpuss air freshener and my lucky Bob The Builder in place, I'm sure I'll come to love it just as much as the old car.

Why the soft toys? So I can park in the mother and toddler spaces with impunity, of course. An MPV with various soft toys scattered around it must belong to a harassed mum of six! No, don't boo! I brought up 4 kids way, way before the invention of supermarket trolleys with baby seats, mum and toddler parking spaces etc. I'M OWED!! Though, in all fairness, I'll soon qualify for a disabled/senior citizen space...

Rejection & St Swithin's Day

Two rejections in my in box this morning both from the same mag. Unusually, the editor has given a reason - too short. I just checked and the guidelines I'm going by have them at the correct length so maybe their requirements have changed recently. Thing is with this sort of rejection, I'm left wondering whether I should re-submit at the correct word length. But then again, she'd have said as much, wouldn't she? Hey-ho. I don't think I'll bother and the stories in question have both sold in 4 countries each under different guises so no real loss there.

I must get some serious writing done in the next few weeks as my output has dropped massively from what it used to be. I also need the dosh - a good reason for getting down to it!

I fancy trying another crime/thriller. Mainly because they tend to write to a higher word length - well, mine do, anyways. I'd like to target Take A Break some more too. There was a time I'd make it into every monthly Fiction Feast - not so these days. It's entirely my own fault. I've let other things get in the way. The day job for instance. Himself owns a butchers/bakery shop and I've def spent more time this past year filling in for staff absences/holidays or just generally catching up on making BBQ stuff. Ha! Consdering the downpour we have here, there won't be many BBQ's lit today. Nor for the foreseeable weekend as it's forecast rain and more rain.

Did you know today is St Swithin's Day? Do you recall this Elizabethan rhyme?

'St. Swithin's day if thou dost rain
For forty days it will remain
St. Swithin's day if thou be fair
For forty days 'twill rain nae mair.'

According to projectbritain.com :

Legend has it that as the Saxon Bishop of Wincester lay on his deathbed, he asked to be buried out of doors, where he would be trodden on and rained on. For nine years, his wishes were followed, but then, the monks of Winchester attempted to remove his remains to a splendid shrine inside the cathedral on 15 July 971. According to legend there was a heavy rain storm either during the ceremony or on its anniversary.

And so the old wive's tale was born that if it rains on St Swithin's Day (July 15th), it will rain for the next 40 days in succession, and a fine 15th July will be followed by 40 days of fine weather.

However, according to the Met Office, it's nothing other than a myth - well they would say that. Anyway, it's been put to the test on 55 occasions*, when it has been wet on St Swithin's Day and 40 days of rain did not follow.

* source: the book entitled 'Red Sky At Night'

As writers we should be aware of such events and use them to our advantage by incorporating them into our stories. Says me who didn't know what day it was until that nice weather girl mentioned it this morning on GMTV! So I'm making a note right now on my 'story calendar'. Next year I'll have a St Swithin's story pubbed - watch this space (but not too closely)!

Pam escapes from the cupboard under the stairs

That annoying Witholding Tax

Many thanks to HappyWriter who has taken the time and trouble to call the tax office over the annoying business of non-Aus writers having witholding tax deducted from our fees. Here is what she has to say:

If an Australian doesn't supply an ABN number they will have around 46% in tax taken out. Australians can solve this by either getting an ABN number (if they consider themselves a business not hobby)or giving a Statement by Supplier form and ticking the reason they are not supplying an ABN.

For Foreign residents, if you do not supply an ABN number theoretically 10% withholding would be taken out HOWEVER, all you have to do is supply the Statement By Supplier Form, tick the reason you are not supplying an ABN (*the supplier is not entitled to an ABN as they are not carrying on an enterprise in Australia*) and NO TAX should be taken out - at all.

This is the second time I have been given the same advice, and tax office said that if anyone is still taking out tax after they have received your Statement by Supplier Form, then get them to contact the tax office.

The issue is only different if we are talking about, interest, dividends, ROYALTIES, construction, casinos and other specific businesses.

Fact

Did you know a man who has a fondness for nibbling women's ears is called a gynotikolobomassophile?

I'm assuming it's meant to describe someone who nibbles indiscriminately? As in, a man who'd run up to a female whilst she's queuing for a bus, say, and go straight for the lobes without so much as an introduction? But surely that's assault? So he's most likely a bit of a yob as well as a gynotiko-whatsit.

Suppose our man is a gentleman, an upstanding citizen...he'd ask permission first, wouldn't he? Not so much assault then, as a romantic gesture? Well, no not really. It'd be rather like a flasher asking politely if one would mind if he exposed his dangly bits.

How the heck did I get here? I know I began with doing research on a short story but...

Readers' Letters

You may be a published author with lots of articles and fiction to your credit but don't turn your nose up at sending off readers' letters to the magazines.

If you're stuck on constructing a novel chapter or a short fiction piece, leave it aside and write a letter instead. They're easy to put together - try to find a good quality photograph to accompany it if you can - and are a better way of filling those brain-foggy moments than playing Spider Solitaire (which is what I tend to do when I'm stuck on something!).

As with fiction, get a feel for the content of the mag before sending anything, though there seems to be little restriction on what they take. Keep your letter short, up-beat and interesting. I've recently sent a couple off - yes, you guessed, it's about my recent holiday!

The fee is generally around £25 for each letter printed with £50 for the 'Star Letter'. Some mags will award a bonus prize, too. The turn around time tends to be much quicker than waiting for accepted fiction to appear. So, go on, have a go.

Little Face

Like most people I like to pack a few paperbacks to take on holiday. Often I don't have time to open them but this last break was all about R&R so I took 4 with me. One of these was borrowed from my daughter, Amy. She'd purchased 3 by Sophie Hannah from her work's book club. I'll be honest, I'd never heard of SH but the blurb of Little Face really intrigued me so it was the one I delved into on my first day by the pool.


When Alice Fancourt returns home after having been out for the first time without her two-week-old daughter Florence, she insists that the baby she finds at home, in the care of her husband David, is not their daughter but a child she has never seen before. David denies it, claiming that the baby is Florence and that Alice has gone mad. Is she crazy, or is David lying, and if so, why would he do such a thing? And where is the real Florence? Alice has no proof, but she needs the police to believe her, and quickly. While they wait for the DNA test that will settle the matter, valuable time is being lost, and David’s behaviour towards Alice becomes increasingly threatening and sinister. Can Alice make the police listen to her before it's too late?

There aren't many books I can't put down (and I read an awful lot!) but this one had me hooked from the beginning. What I liked the most was that Sophie kept the tension going throughout. There weren't any 'dips' where I felt I had to speed read chunks to get through any boring bits.

It wasn't until I checked on Amazon today that I see this novel has very mixed reviews (don't they all!?)ranging from 'Enthralling' and 'Gifted' to 'Abysmal writing' and 'Disappointing ending'. Had I read the reviews beforehand it wouldn't have put me off. Each to their own etc., but how anyone can call the writing abysmal is beyond me. I thought it flowed wonderfully.
Alice's husband's horrid behaviour - especially the bathroom and food scenes were very well done.

Okay, the ending was a teensy bit weird. I suppose I was expecting something spectacular as the explanation to the baby's disappearance (won't give too much away here or it'll spoil it for you if you wish to read it and I hope you will) and maybe what I got was rather mundane but in retrospect it made it all the more believable.

I'll def be reading more of Sophie's books.

Dough and, um, dough.

I started making my own bread just before last Christmas. Bit daft considering we run a shop that sells the stuff ready baked but I like being able to bake a fresh loaf when I please. When I say 'I bake', what I mean is I buy the packet mix that has the yeast already in it. I just add tepid water and any flavourings I want.

My favourite is a focaccia mix to which I add rosemary (from the garden), loads of olive oil, garlic, sun-dried tomatoes and/or black olives...and more olive oil! Goes down well at BBQs. Plus, it freezes well, too.

Going off at a tangent...What I was saying in my other post about emptying the suitcases, I see we have some Egyptian pounds left over from our spends. I think 100 Egyptian is around 10 quid sterling. We didn't realise till we got to Egypt that they don't like their own currency (something to do with exchange rates). No, they prefer the Euro or US dollars which can be a bit confusing when you pay for something in EGP that is marked in USD or EURO and you get back change in sterling.

Oh and while I'm on the subject, Himself bought an English newspaper while we were out there and it wasn't till he was putting the change back in his wallet that he realised he'd been 'had'! His own fault really, he'd given the man USD instead of EGP and we worked out that copy of the Daily Express cost us around £10!

Anyway, I digress. The reason I mention the left-over spending money and moreover what that has to do with baking bread...I've been out this morning and bought an automatic bread maker with the left-over spends - Netto £49.99. I've got a whole grain loaf in at the moment. Smells delicious, takes half the time of kneading by hand but to be honest not nearly as satisfying. The kitchen worktop (and me for that matter) doesn't have a spot of flour on it and there aren't jugs and spatulas to wash up but now I realise that was half the fun. Ah well, at least I can set the timer to prepare the dough while we're asleep so we wake up to fresh baked bread of a morning. That def beats getting up at 6 to do it...not that I ever did!

PS Baked this on Sunday

What a relief to finally get to the bottom of the suitcases - instead of just dumping all our holiday clothes in front of the washing machine, this time, I've left them in the cases, taking out one wash load at a time. This way I'm kidding myself there isn't THAT much dirty washing or (worse) THAT much ironing to do.

But now I'm looking at freshly dried sundresses,shorts and T-shirts piled over the banister awaiting introduction to the iron and my heart sinks. But wait, will there be many more hot days left this summer on which to wear them? Probably not. So can I get away with banging them on hangers un-ironed? Come next holiday I'll only run them through the washer again anyway 'to freshen them up', so what's the point in doing it twice? And I'd be saving electricity and hence the planet by not ironing them, wouldn't I? And it'll free up the time for me to get some writing done. That's it then. My conscience is clear.

I forgot to say...

...the holiday was great. 44 degrees most days so I stayed under a parasol smothered in industrial strength suncream. I'd have come back paler than I went were it not for the prickly heat rash on my body and an allergic reaction to said suncream that has made my face swell so I resemble a greedy hamster.

That aside, we saw some amazing sights. The sea-life is spectacular. Like a screen shot from Finding Nemo.

We went into the eastern desert by jeep where Himself went off on a quad bike while I explored the Bedouin camp where we were to take supper later that evening. I rode a camel which I have to say was scary - they seem so tall from the saddle! A nice Frenchman riding beside me said I looked a bit tense and went on to assure me that they can only gallop at 60 miles and hour and they can only keep that up for about 5 miles. What?!

We climbed a mountain (well a very high sand dune - think quarry pit kind of thing)and watched the sun set over the desert. Very surreal and so quiet.

The supper - we'd decided to decline (health grounds you understand and the fact that we'd watched the women making the bread!)but by the time they served it up we were so hungry we'd have eaten a scabby camel. And you know what? It was DELICIOUS! There was chicken, a green bean stew of some sort, er another stew, a sesame/vinigrette dressing, sausages, fresh salad, and all washed down with cola, with watermelon to finish. And no Mummy's Revenge the next day! Yum!

Then the entertainment - the Bedoiun children and adults did a dance for us - a bit like Morris dancing with knives. Then there was a belly dancer, a whirling dervish and finally a man on a stallion which I have to say looked distinctly unhappy - the horse not the man. And as we were sitting at hoof level, was a bit un-nerving as the rider attepted to keep his mount under control.

As it grew dark, the camp lights were extinguished and we then took turns to look through a telescope at the night sky. Have to say was a bit unimpressed as all I could see was this bright light...possibly the moon, dunno?!

And here's a pic of me with two gorgeous Bedouin children.

It's a Man's World

I've been back home for two days and have spent most of that time on the phone to various companies regarding our car insurance renewal because Himself has gone back to work and doesn't have the time. Like I do?!

Anyway, normally it's straight forward i.e. if we get a similar quote to the previous year, we just go with it. Yes, I could search on-line but have you ever tried using those comparison websites? The ones where you fill in your details (just the once as the adverts tell us) then seconds later the PC crashes as the quotes come on screen meaning you have to start from scratch again!

Thing is, I have a few little problems this time around as the present car's insurance expires on the 11th of this month but it's due to go back to the lease company on the 17th so basically we only need a week's insurance. Add to that the fact that the new car is delivered on the 14th and...well you get my drift.

The first quote offered was massively more expensive than anticipated so the kind person said they'd transfer me to another company...and they, in turn, transferred me to another...and then another...and then another...

Until, eventually I'm talking to someone called 'Bri' at NATO HQ. At least, by his over-use of the phonetic alphabet, the guy fancies himself to be on military manoeuvres rather than sitting in a call centre in Coventry. But he's confident he can help me so I stick with it.

'Kilo-Mike-zero-niner-Oscar Juliette-Foxtrot,' he sings down the line. 'Is that affirmative?'

......HUH?

'Your new registration number, madam?'

'Oh, um, yes.'

'And your postcode?'I tell him and he comes back with,'Sierra-eight-zero-niner-Lima-Papa. And your surname...how are you spelling it? Hotel-Oscar-romeo-tango-alpha-November?'

By this time I'm right there with him, fighting off the insurgents. Combat trousers, flack-jacket, the lot.'No, it's H-o-u-g-h-t-o-n,' I say.

A five second delay, then, 'That's H for...'

Harry Potter? Herpes? Hell, life's too short for this c**p, and I hung up.

5 mins later I'm back with the company I should've called in the first place, gratefully signing up for over-priced insurance but hey, the woman on the end of the line is called Vanessa and we had a nice chat about my holiday and guess what? Her sister's got the same car as ours except in the metallic bronze colour. She's not sure what it's called but it matches her Mischa Barton handbag.

No, of course she didn't say that...the bag was from Primark.

Hasta la vista!

I'm off on my hols in the early hours of tomorrow morning, so I'm signing off now or I wont have time to pack the suitcases! We're going to Marsa Alam, Red Sea, Egypt for a week's snorkeling and swimming with the fishies.
Okay, truth is we'll probably slob out on the beach with a good book and a rum & coke!
Happy writing and I'll see you when I get back.

Where do your ideas spring from?

Like most writers I'm forever being asked, 'Where do you get your ideas?' 'From everywhere,' I'll reply, which, often as not, is greeted with a blank stare. I assume what they'd really like to hear is something on the lines of 'Oh, I have this machine in the back bedroom that pops out ideas if I feed it pound coins.'

Well, I don't have such a machine. My writing style is fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants type. An idea pops into my head as a scene or a bit of dialogue and that generates lots of questions which, in all probability, I won't even jot down. Yes, I know all the advice about keeping a notepad to hand and I do have dozens ranging from Moleskines to Wilko's jotters scattered around the house, but I'm always convinced I'll remember an idea...which I rarely do, so yes, the advice is right blah, blah.

Anyway, if I do remember it by the time I sit in front of the computer, I'll start to write it up and if the Muse Fairy is with me, a tale will evolve.

The last story I submitted (and sold) the other week, came in exactly this way. I was doing the washing up when the song Love Hurts by the Everly Brothers came on the radio. Remember that one?

Love hurts, love scars
Love wounds, and mars any heart
Not tough or Strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud, holds a lot of rain
Love hurts......ooh, ooh love hurts


The brain cells fired up. The questions started coming.

Q. What else is as painful as a broken heart?
A. A broken leg? A broken tooth? Yes, the latter sounded right.

Q. Who's got a broken tooth?
A. Let's make it a man.

Q. Why?
A. Because men would make a drama out of it and I can ring more humour out of that! Women's mag editors are always on the lookout for humorous stories.

Q. How did my man break his tooth? I'm calling him Rob by this time..
A. He's showing off by taking the cap off a bottle of beer with his teeth - a party trick he was good at in his younger days.

Q Who's he showing off to?
A. The new and much younger, sexy neighbour. I named her Claudia because it sounds blonde and girly.

Q. Why is Rob showing off? He has a loving wife doesn't he? And she's called Kath, I decided.
A. Rob's having a mid-life crisis, what else?

It was at this point I sat down to begin putting it all together. By the time I had my characters 'talking' to each other and I understood them, the rest of the story wrote itself. The resolution came easily and with a twist at the end, which if you want to know, you'll have to wait until it's published!

PS - In case you were wondering, this is what a Muse Fairy looks like

Seen Reading

Taken from the Seen Reading website:

Julie Wilson is the creator and author of the literary voyeurism blog, Seen Reading. She has appeared on CBC Radio’s “Here and Now” to discuss the reading habits of Torontonians.
Here's what she says:

What is Seen Reading?

1.I see you reading.
2.I remember what page you’re on in the book.
3.I head to the bookstore, and make a note of the text.
4.I let my imagination rip.
5.Readers become celebrities.
6.People get giddy and buy more books.

Interesting, huh?

Don't know about you but I also have a quick nosey at what others are reading when I'm out and about. Especially on holiday. Love to see what people have in their beach bags.

Talking of holidays, I went into Tesco's this afternoon for a few last minute holiday essentials - you know the sort of thing: Antidote for snake venom, mini fan combined with a handy torch(?!), sewing kit...all the stuff you very rarely need but take 'in case' - anyway, while passing the paperback shelves I noticed most of the best-sellers had been picked over leaving only a few dog-eared thrillers and a few oldies re-issued with new covers.

But, wait a minute...there was one chick-lit lurking behind an Ian Rankin - Sophie Kinsella's Shopaholic Abroad. Perfect beach read. So I nabbed it. I'll also be taking along Paul O'Grady's autobiography, At My Mother's Knee, and Take A Break's summer puzzle book.

And I just remembered...while in Rhodes year before last, I was stretched out on a sun lounger taking in the rays, when a woman yelled that I should take a look in my beach bag. The way she was panicking I thought maybe a scorpion (do they have them in Rhodes?) had crept inside. But no, it was only one of the island's cats curled up for a snooze.

Hasta La Vista

I'll be catching an early flight tomorrow morning. Meanwhile here's a joke, I'm posting in response to negative remarks about where I've chosen to holiday this year - not that we're going to Rome, we're off to Marsa Alam, Red Sea coast, but you get the idea!

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So,how are you getting there?”
“We're going Thomas Cook,” was the reply. “We got a great rate.”
“Thomas Cook?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste.”
“Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”
“We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“That's rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
“It was wonderful,” said the woman. “Not only were we on time in one of Thomas Cook’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million re-modelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
“That's all well and good," muttered the hairdresser. "But I bet you didn't get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
“Oh, really! What'd he say?”
He said: “ Oh, goodness me, my dear, whoever messed up your hair?"

Don't get hung up about it

Any excuse not to write!



Ever suffered writer's block? I know I have. I've got it now.
There're a number of websites giving advice on how to get over it. Some writers don't believe it exists...lucky them, is all I can say. I even spouted about how to get over it on my own blog back in 2006. A lot has happened since then and these days when it strikes I simply close the laptop lid, go shopping, walk the dog, bake a cake, get out the ironing board - actually scratch that last one, I suffer ironer's block on a grand scale!

I used to get hung up about this 'orrid brain fog that strikes out the blue because, after all, selling short stories is my main source of income. If I don't write, I can't submit and hence make a sale. Experience shows I need to have at least 30 - 40 pieces of work out there at any one time to keep the turnover of acceptances at a decent level. I just checked and I have around 25 submissions with editors at the moment. That's way down on what it should be. So what to do about it? Well, here's what I won't do...

Firstly, I won't beat myself up about it like I used to do. So what if I haven't written anything new in ages? It doesn't mean I'm lazy and telling myself I'm useless or have lost my Mojo wont help either. I'm my own boss and as such I can award myself a little break can't I?

I won't try setting myself goals. Write anything that comes to mind, was my advice, Free writing it's called. 500 words a day - doesn't matter if it's rubbish. Well, it does matter and if I'm honest, it always did. See, what if I can't make the 500 words? I'll resent it even more. Which brings me on to the main thing I won't do...

I WON'T QUIT! I'll give in to all those distractions knowing that the next thing I do write will be worth waiting for. It will sell first time out. Oh yes, it will!

Martin Lewis on punctuation

I've long been a fan of Martin Lewis, the money saving expert off the telly. I follow his blog, subscribe to his newsletters and watch him whenever he appears on GMTV. I've taken his advice on a couple of occasions the last time being over getting insurance for my new mobile phone...I did mention my new Nokia 5800 whizz-bang didn't I?

Anyway, found this post on his blog regarding that naughty little apostrophe and I have to say I agree with him on its use in this instance ie when a word ends in an 's'. What are your views?

Just a minute my hard drive is making funny noises - I'm installing Nokia Music for my new Nokia 5800 - I did mention my new phone didn't I? ;0)

Subs

I sent my allowed monthly story off to My Weekly today. The editors have put a 'one a month' restriction on submissions until they make some headway through their slushpile. The one I chose to send is a 1600 word twist with a touch of romance. Trouble is, by the time they get to reading it, they'll have changed their requirements!

I've also took a risk and sent a spooky one off to a market that I don't think runs this type. It does have a romantic undertone so maybe they'll make an exception.

Ireland's Own's editor, Sean Nolan, hasn't bought anything from me recently despite having said he'd short-listed a bunch...then nothing. I know he's inundated with submissions so maybe something better came up he preferred to publish. Anyway, today I've sent him a story I think he might like, but I won't hold my breath!

Confession time

It's perhaps a bit of an embarrassing statement for a writer but the truth is, I haven't been in a public library in over 10 years. I think my last visit would've been with my youngest two (twins) to borrow a book for a school project. I was always in and out the revolving doors when the kids were at school, by the way.

Other than that I've not felt the need to get in the car, drive the 2 miles only to find they haven't got the info I need. I say 'info' referring to research for work in progress. Why? Because it's much easier for me to go on-line.

Okay, I know some of you will say that not everyone has access to the Internet or the luxury of Broadband. Not everyone can afford to buy paperbacks - though with such heavily discounted prices in the supermarkets I doubt the validity of that argument! And, yes, I know that libraries have come on a lot since my last visit. And yes, I know libraries do not only serve as storehouses for hundreds of books, they also contribute to the community.

I've checked...my local library offers computer classes with free Internet access and hosts weekly book-club meetings, they have a monthly Weight Watcher's group and after-school programmes and much more. As I write this, a new library and community centre is being built on land beside the old building in Worksop, where I live. And, oh, my days, I just read this:

The existing library was built in the late 1930s and the accommodation it provides does not allow for the delivery of a modern library service.

At present there are 211,000 books issued each year and this is predicted to rise to over 265,000. Similarly the number of visitors at present is 143,000 a year and this is predicted to rise by a maximum of 30 percent to over 186,000.

The new library needs to be nearly twice the existing floor area to accommodate the projected increase.

Hmm...maybe it's time I re-joined. I might be missing out!

Publication Day...

...must be close for a story I sold recently, because the fee dropped into my bank account this morning. This mag pays on acceptance but also publishes shortly afterwards. Hope they'll send me a copy.

Story Titles

Do you fret over your magazine story titles? It isn't often I get stuck for one, though members of my writing group might disagree the number of times I've called on them for their help! Sometimes a title drops into my lap before I've even written the story. Other times I don't know what it'll be until I write the final sentence. Browse through any women's mag and you might be struck by how cliched they can be. Rocket science it ain't!
Here are a few of my blander ones, all kept by the eds:

Food For Thought - sold to Best
Filthy Rich - sold to Take A Break
Wish Me Luck - sold to Fast Fiction (Aus) & Ireland's Own
Driving Me Crazy - sold to My Weekly & That's Life

Hardly original, huh? But then I've had the more intriguing ones:

An Angel In The Freezer - sold to My Weekly, Ireland's Own and Fast Fiction(Aus)
Can I Smell Ectoplasm? - sold to Fast Fiction(Aus) & Take A Break
Life Without An Undo Button - sold to Woman's Weekly.

So should we spend hours over our titles? My advice (others may disagee) is choose wisely to give it the best possible chance of standing out from the slushpile, but don't beat yourself up about it because eds often change them anyway. And remember, an intriguing title probably raises expectations as to the content. Don't make the mistake of thinking you can wow an ed with a flashy title then follow it up with a bland story.

If you're having touble deciding on a title you might try this random title generator Some will appear plain bonkers, but it is only throwing up random words, after all. Try it, ocassionally it comes up with a corker.

Want something more? Try this plot generator, designed by Cally Taylor.

New Phone

I've been using the kids' cast off phones for the past 5 years or so and was desperate to get something new. I love the iPhone but the monthly contract fee is well out of my pocket-money range. However, came across this today and snapped it up at only £15 per month. For a limited period, it also comes with the 2nd series of Gavin & Stacey installed. Great!

Anagram

I'm not a political beast by any means but between our own political unrest and that going on in Tehran as the presidential candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi released details of a letter sent to the Guardian Council insisting that the results of the election be annulled...I get this sent to me:

When you re-arrange the words ELECTION RESULTS they spell.....LIES - LET'S RECOUNT.

JBWB Summer Comps

Only ten days left to enter the JBWB Summer 2009 Competitions
New this time is the 'chuckle bonus' for poetry entries…

We all need a lift in these depressing times, and this quarter, JBWB will add a £20 bonus to your prize, whether you come first, second or third, if your poem also provides us with the broadest smile, longest chuckle or deepest belly laugh. So consider this when you write, and see if you can add some humour to brighten up our days.

First Prize: £150 - Second Prize: £50 - Third Prize: £25

RULES

The rules are simple and straightforward (no entry form required):

1) All work must be unpublished and should not have been previously submitted to JBWB for critique.

2) Length: 2,500 words maximum (submissions exceeding this length will be disqualified).

3) Closing Date: 30 June 2009.

4) Entry Fee: £4 per entry. Cheques to be made payable to J C Hewitt, please. Or click here to pay by credit card. And remember, if you would like professional constructive feedback on your entry at any time after the competition, fees and further details are listed HERE.

5) Entries should be sent as an email attachment (or in the body of the email itself) to: competitions@jbwb.co.uk. Please confirm in your email that the entry fee is on its way or that you have paid by credit card. Alternatively, send hard copy of your story, plus entry fee, to: 87 Home Orchard, Yate, South Gloucestershire BS37 5XH England. Please note that feedback is not available on hard copy entries, only on entries emailed as a Microsoft Word attachment.

6) The winners and runners-up will be announced by the end of July 2009 and will receive the appropriate prize money. The winning entries will be published on the JBWB website. Further runners-up prizes may be awarded at my discretion. Good luck!

Writing Competitions

If you're interested in submitting your work to writing comps rather than submitting to magazines, you might want to take a look at Sally Quilford's Writing Calendar

It's regularly updated and Sally also has a monthly competition calendar in Writers' Forum Magazine

If entering comps is a new venture for you, Sally can provide you with lots of tips here.

Guardian Short Sory Comp

Thanks to my writing chum, Kath Kilburn, for pointing this one out to me:

The Guardian Short Story Competition

Win the chance to have one of your short stories published in Guardian Weekend's annual summer fiction issue.

Submissions can be on any theme, must be previously unpublished and no longer than 2,000 words.

The judges will be authors William Boyd and Julie Myerson, and the winning story will be printed in Weekend magazine alongside others by established authors. Five runners up will have their stories published on the Guardian books website. .

Send your story by 10 July to Short Stories, Guardian Weekend, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU or short.story@guardian.co.uk. Please include a phone number.

Terms and conditions can be found on their website.

Book Reviews

It's one thing getting rejections for mag stories or even a novel submission but imagine you're a published novelist checking out your ranking on Amazon only to find customers have posted scathing reviews of your book. Working Wonders by Jenny Colgan is a case in point. It scores 3 stars out of the 5 and has some of the most diverse reviews I've seen on Amazon with remarks ranging from 'Exquisite' to 'Downright boring'. Ouch!

When I posted my thoughts on book covers on here, I'd picked out several books from my shelves and realised I hadn't read this one by Jenny even though I've probably had it since it was published in 2003! I've read around 4 of her other books and enjoyed them, so decided Working Wonders would be my read for the week. From the cover I was expecting chick-lit but it's much more. And maybe this is why some of her followers didn't like this one. I'd say it was more mystical escapism. I found it a refreshing change from the high-flying-thirty-something-career girl-looking-for-love type read. I also liked the ordinariness (is that a word?) of the setting - a town planning office in Coventry. I wouldn't hesitate in recommending it. 5 stars, Jenny!

Written from the male protags POV. the plot goes something like this:

Arthur Pendleton has led an unexciting life, working as a town planner and slowly realising that his life holds few surprises. Then he encounters the head of a team of management consultants, the beguiling and beautiful Gwyneth Morgan, a woman Arthur finds himself intimidated by. Her job is to inspire Arthur and his ill-assorted team of planners to take on a daunting task--ensure that Coventry becomes the new European city of culture. Looking around at such colleagues as nerdish computer expert Sven and the unhappy (and long-suffering) Cathy, Arthur becomes increasingly dispirited. And then, astonishingly, Gwyneth shows signs of being attracted to him, and (even more surprisingly) his team begins to fire on all cylinders with ideas. But which is more achievable: beginning a relationship with the intriguing Gwyneth, or making Coventry appear interesting? The elements that made Jenny Colgan's earlier books bestsellers are firmly in place here: quirkily observed characters, capricious plotting and a truly involving sense of the way in which most of us live our lives. Both Arthur and Gwyneth are beautifully drawn, and even if the basic theme (dull hero and brighter heroine in a non-metropolitan culture clash) may owe something to David Lodge's Changing Places, it's none the worse for that; this is an enchanting read. (Taken from Amazon)

Twittering

I've come to the conclusion that Twitter, Facebook, and blogging are for people with far more interesting lives than I have. According to Twitter's home page:

Twitter is a service for friends, family, and co–workers to communicate and stay connected through the exchange of quick, frequent answers to one simple question: What are you doing?

That's fine if you have family living a million miles away and want to keep in touch or want to make sure Himself has put out the wheelie bin while you're away - though why not just pick up the phone? By Twittering, you're assuming your friends are glued to their PC 24/7...okay, my son just told me they are. But why does anyone want or need, to know that some friend of a friend of a friend is 'eating spag bol with a glass of rose'? Who cares? Well, apparently the thousands who've signed up, I guess.

Am I supposed to be thrilled that my friends care enough about me to want to know 'I'm p****d off with getting Final Demands from companies who think I owe them money even though I paid their darned bill 2 weeks ago'? And yes, the latter is my morning's Twitter! Look, I'm grumpy enough without having to dwell on it longer than I need do while I type out a rant and send it to all my followers...oh and followers, that's another thing...how come I only have four?

Rejection

...and how to cope with it. I know what all the advice is concerning agent rejections and could regurgitate it all on here including that much quoted...um, quote about how JKR had dozens of knock-backs before finally getting a publisher and look where she is today...but I won't bother, you'll have heard it all before.

The only way to avoid that rejection letter is never to submit. Fact!

Book covers

I wasn't aware, when I first started novel writing, that the writer has little or no input into the design of his/her book cover. Unless you're a top-selling, famous 'name', at least. I expect JKR has some say.

Book covers, apparently, aren't that easy to design, hence the need for a specialist to fashion something that not only catches the eye but conveys the idea behind the book on one single page. It needs to be unique, creative and striking enough to jump off the shelf and scream 'Buy me'.

It's said that most customers browsing a book store will make up their mind within 20 to 30 seconds. Er...who are these people making snap decisions? Do they have a bus to catch? An egg to boil? Don't know about you, but I spend an age deciding on what to buy and often as not I don't choose from the 'Best-sellers' or 'Top Twenty' placed prominently by the door. They may be best-sellers but I feel kind of conned into buying them.

Not for me, either, is the piled high '3 for 2' table because I invariably pick up one I really, really want to read, then end up struggling to choose 2 others I know I won't ever get around to reading. No, I like to browse the far corners of the store. Find something maybe published years ago.

Just remembered something - When Accent Press published the first of the Sexy Shorts range, which carried one of my short stories, I had to go ask an assistant to find it for me. It was lurking (1 copy only) behind a pile of children's toys stacked against the shelves. Lovely book cover, shame about the placing!

But I digress - where was I? Oh yes, book cover design...if I ever bag an agent and get this damn novel pubbed, I know exactly what I'd like my cover to look like. Or at least what I'd like it to incorporate. Something like this:

And the book blurb for The Cuckoo Club:

One chef's deflated souffle, is another chef's frittata. Can Róisin Connor encourage her boss, Alex, to apply the same principles to his life?

Amongst the dated decor and padded banquettes of The Pink Pig Café, waitress Róisin (Raz) Connor struggles with the three men in her life. Foremost is cafe owner, Alex Dearly. There’s his cousin, the celebrity stylist Gabe Locksmith and lastly, there’s a corpse.

Alex is the love of her life though it seems unrequited, but right now it’s the corpse, Alex’s father, William, who is causing Raz the most concern. A wreath with a note pledging everlasting love from unknown ‘C’ arouses her suspicions. Is ‘C’ the mysterious veiled mourner who attends his funeral?

When Alex's old school chum, Sandra Montford-Jones appears on the scene, William’s widow, Maggie, starts acting even more oddly than usual. Raz makes an unlikely link between Sandra and the recently departed.

She's forced to keep her suspicions to herself as Alex becomes increasingly dependent on Sandra. Raz confides in Gabe, but it appears he too is keeping secrets.

What follows is a bitter-sweet tangle of love, lies and divided loyalties.

Oh shut up, I can dream, can't I?

Smile on the Happiest Day of the Year

Some joker (psychologist Dr Cliff Arnall) has devised a formula for measuring mood through outdoor activity, energy levels and sunlight and came up with the answer that today is the happiest day of the year.

Hmm, well, Himself has gone off for the day golfing which means I can write uninterrupted, so maybe Dr C. has something!

And, this morning I had a bit of a brainstorm. Back in 2006 when the mighty Miss Snark, Literary agent, ran her blog, I dared to send a query letter and chapter off to her Crapometer contest. Here's what she said.

At the time, no-one knew who Miss Snark was, only that she vented her wrath on the hapless world of writers and crushed them to sand beneath her T.Rexual heels of stiletto snark, so I was unable to follow up with a proper submission. When I did find out who she was, I DID NOTHING ABOUT IT! Why? Why? Why? Today, I'll rectify that.

PS Thanks go to my on-line friend Lizzy for jogging my memory!

UPDATE! I just sent my query letter and brief synopsis off to Janet Reid at FineLit Agency US. Holding thumbs!

UPDATE TO UPDATE: Quick response from Janet Reid - Thank you for your query. I regret the volume of queries has made a form letter necessary. I regret I have to pass on many interesting projects due to time constraints.
I urge you to query widely of course!

I'm a Super Hero

You have to have a go at this

Loving the look!

To Blog or Not to Blog

If you've been paying attention you may have noticed there has been a large gap in my posts, somewhere around all of 2008. I could say it was because I was locked away in my study (converted garage and just as cold as ever it was) editing my novel but in truth it's because it's not all that easy to keep updating a blog. Well, yes, it's easy in that I just type words, then press a button to publish, but finding anything to say is the difficult bit.

Unless your life is as dull as mine and you really, really want to know that today I went to the recycling bank with a bin bag full of empty gin bottles...er I mean cola bottles, what's the point in blogging?

I'll tell you why...because like having a website (shameless plug - www.suehoughton.co.uk)it raises my writing profile. That, in theory, is a good thing. If it's done well. The infamous Miss Snark covered this on her blog and made the point that there were many crappy blogs out there and a few that were downright damaging to an author's public face. Yikes!

Do agents troll the blogosphere looking up a writer's blog when they're interested in a submission? Do they google hot prospects? Yes, they do! I know because I have a site meter on my website and can tell who's been peeking, so when I send off the ms to an agent I often sneak a look to see if they've been sneaking a look too. And yes, I've caught one or two checking me out. Did they like what they saw? I'll never know the answer to that.

So what should a blog/website contain? Here's what I think makes a blog work well:

1. Lots of pretty pictures/photos. A reader likes to know what you look like. It also gives them something to look at so they don't notice how dull the rest of the content is.

2. Keep it humorous. Unless you write misery lit, obviously. This could confuse readers.

3. Pack it with info. Post links to other writers' sites (but only ones you think are crappier than yours.) And be aware that if you give out women's magazine guidelines, you'll unleash a demon. The editors will be deluged with subs and you wont get a look in.

4. Give the visitor a peek into your life outside of a writer. Make it up if you want. Chances are you'll never hit the big time and wont be found out. Have you noticed how many writers claim to live in converted barns on Scottish Isles. Usually with a rescue dog or two.

Happy blogging!

PS One of the prettiest/most informative writer's website I've come across belongs to the lovely Milly Johnson.

Fashionistas & mag writers

Anyone been following BBC2's Mary Queen of Charity Shops? Mary Portas who put Harvey Nicks on the fashion map was given the task of dragging the UK's charity shops into this century by getting better quality donations. Easier said than done what with EBay being the best place to off-load last season's Nicole Farhi - or, as in my case, George at Asda.

Anyway, Ms Portas managed to increase one shop's sales above and beyond anyone's expectations, despite the volunteers (average aged 105, favourite saying:'We Don't Like Change, pass the custard creams, Ethel') trying everything to sabotage her efforts.

Out went the staple of all charity shops - the threadbare Teddies, the 'present from Cleethorpes' spill vases (who uses spills these days? What are spills?) and the incomplete jigsaws. In their place came up-to-the-minute designer fashion, hand-made shoes and even a Jimmy Choo handbag.

The shop's turnover more than doubled and continues to draw in younger people - a much needed customer base. And all this got to me thinking about magazine editors/writers...well, of course it did, this is a blog about writing remember!

Since I've been writing for the womags I've seen a few editors come and go as some of the mags upped their fiction specials or indeed, ditched their fiction slots altogether. And the writers? I was talking to someone the other day (a newbie womagger) who was complaining that it wasn't very fair of the eds to choose the same writers every week/month. Why couldn't they give the newcomers a chance?

I think they do give newbies a fair stab, but the writers who've been doing it for years know their markets very, very well! They also know they have stiff competition from the newbies, so it's in their interests to up their game and keep abreast of what the readers want.

I've been writing for the mags for 7 years now and I'd be doing myself no favours by churning out the same stuff as I did all those years ago. That isn't to say I don't sometimes dig out an old story and edit it with the purpose of re-selling it but I'll look at it closely and ask myself 'Is this plot/setting/dialogue relevant nowadays?' Times change and so must our writing.

Here endeth today's sermon ;0)

The New Romantics

Seven British novelists who are proud to write novels about the ups - and downs - of love: Lucy Diamond, Sarah Duncan, Matt Dunn, Kate Harrison, Veronica Henry, Milly Johnson and Jojo Moyes

For more information visit here

How authors are paid

This is interesting though it will probably put off any newbie novelist!

Follow this link to Kate Hardy's blog

Sales & Copyright issues

June has been good for me so far. 3 sales to date. It would've been 4 but I withdrew one from publication after receiving the contract which demanded I sell them the copyright. No way, Jose! This was to a US mag - one from the 'Trues' stable. Apparently it's the done thing over the pond to give up copyright but I've never come across it anywhere else in the world.

I've sold over 200 short stories in the UK, India, Australia, Sweden, Norway, France, South Africa, Middle East, Ireland and the most restrictive contract has been with Woman's Weekly which asks for First Rights for 18mths before selling elsewhere excluding OZ. I do hope other magazines don't follow the US lead or my income will plummet. I rely heavily on re-edited stuff!

I'm Back

Can you believe I forgot I had this blog? I rediscovered it while lurking on someone else's blog and thought I ought to come over here and delete it. Then I thought, hang on a minute, why not bring it up to date? I'm bound to have done lots and lots of deliciously exciting things you'll want to hear about. Er, no. The sad thing is, nothing much has happened since 2007!

That's propbably not true. Okay the book hasn't sold yet, but it has attracted more than a passing interest from at least 2 agents recently ie. Both requested a full ms read and fired lots of questions beyond 'Are you currently sectioned under the Mental Health Act'.

Did I mention the book has been re-titled. Trumpets please...It is now The Cuckoo Club. And it isn't only the title which has changed. No I've edited it beyond recognition, so much so that I'm thinking of sending it out to agents I targetted years ago. Do agents have long memories? My guess is, it was so raw all those years ago that they never got beyond the first couple of pages. Yes, maybe I'll give that some more thought. What do I have to lose?

Diets

Oh gawd, the holiday is booked...how to lose 2 stone in 6 weeks? Answers on a postcard please.
No, scratch that, the all-concealing kaftan is the answer. Ebay here I come!

Women's mags aren't big on dieting stories, least not ones where the female protagonist has to lose 2 stone to attract her man. With this is mind, I wrote two shorts where the women were plump and proud of it - they both sold, 1 to Woman and 1 to Fiction Feast.

Horoscope 2007

I don't normally look up my horoscope (I'm a Leo, by the way) but couldn't help peeping at the Special Section(?) in today's Sunday paper supplement.


January - Song lyrics figure big this month...Waterloo is the hero's fave song in my novel so maybe this means the book will be made into a musical?? I'll have to go ex-directory as Sir Elton John makes a nuisance of himself begging to work on the score.

February - A cash deal will be on the table - that will be my publishing contract, right?

March - A hobby will make me good money abroad...my novel will go to auction in America with several publishing houses in the bidding.

April - My talent will be recognised...I'll be nominated and win the Booker Prize, or maybe the Los Angeles Book Prize. Could even be the prestigious Throcking Parva Public Library Most Overdue Fiction Prize.

May - The sun and moon will illuminate my ambition chart so I can overcome doubts that have stopped me showcasing my talent in front of an audience...The New Wembley Stadium? Albert Hall? Sydney Opera House? Little Markle Village Hall?

June - A sports-linked prize is on the horizon... me and sport? Don't think so!

July - A dedication on the radio...Mariella Frostrup reads a passage from the novel on her show.

August - I will have the talent to win a prize this month (what another?) and I'll enjoy the fame it brings... I'll appear on Richard & Judy as the novel wins their Summer Read comp.

September - I have a hot talent for words...well obviously tsk!

October - I'll learn to enjoy broccoli...??????

November - Others share their dreams with me...back off, this is my ego trip, okay!

December - I'll win the lottery...great end to the year then!

Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year!

How was it for you? We had a great time if a bit cramped at the old homestead. Looking forward to the new year now...and no, no resolutions as I never keep them.

I hope you're all writing summer holiday stories and even back to school ones (September I mean). Remember the mags work at least six months in advance. If you're thinking of submitting an Easter story it may be worth your while dropping the editor a quick line to ask if they're in need first as they tend to be overstocked with seasonal stuff.

The Old Ones are the Best

Things you learn from watching movies:

• During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
• All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
• The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
• When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
• Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
• Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
• A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
• It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
• Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
• An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
• If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
• It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
• Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
• You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
• If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade -- at any time of the year.

Twinkle, twinkle

Himself and I spent several hours walking round our local garden centre which for the month of December is akin to walking through the wardrobe of The Lion The Witch and The...well, you get it. A Christmas wonderland of all things kitsch. Sparkly, in yer face and fabulous!

My only gripe is (of course there has to be one) what is it with these places that they almost always have a section exclusively selling pickles and preserves? I mean where's the connection? You go in for daffodil bulbs/grass seed and come out with preserves? And the biggest secret is how do they get folk to hand over a month's salary for them?

"Oh, look, Mother, a jar of horseradish and it's only six pounds fifty. What a bargain!"

Am I Bovered?

He comes into the room and looks at me. "What are you watching?"
I glance up at the TV which I'm not even aware is switched on, so engrossed am I in the latest Stephen King novel. "Dunno?" I shrug and concentrate for a while on the choristers belting out 'Silent Night'. "Christmas carols by the look of it."
He sighs heavily. "I suppose that'll be your next fad."
"Huh?"
"Well, not being funny, nor nuffin but you arty farty types tend to be either God botherers or veggies. It's only a matter of time, I guess."

Amen...and pass the collection plate!

On the writing front -

• 2 rejections for short stories
• 1 published in Woman's Weekly - Santa's Little Helper.
• Sent novel to 2 more agents.

Taking the pith!

Every year I make those clove-studded oranges to hang on the tree and every year I end up with sore thumbs, so I decided to use a cocktail stick to make the hole in the peel first...what happens? I stab my finger with the stick and end up with a splinter.

And yes, I know I said I wasn't putting up a tree this year but the kids won and I gave in. Himself not pleased as his favourite chair is now at the wrong angle for viewing the TV but we all have to make sacrifices...

And it continues...

Time to clear out the kitchen cupboards in a pre-Christmas, pre-Spring clean. So far I've filled numerous bin liners with:

• 4 Tupperware containers sans lids
• Assortment of rusty metal cookware tins - why do I have 3 muffin tins?
• 3 horrid flan dishes caked with...well, let's say, greasy.
• 1 water purifier - cracked but saved in case it miraculously repairs itself
• The plastic baskets to an old veg steamer - I bought a new one last year and hoped I could fit the old baskets on it so I could steam 10lb of sprouts in one go. They didn't fit but were saved anyhow. Why? I have no idea.
• 1 plastic colander slightly melted on one side where it came into contact with a hot roasting pan
• Various odd soup bowls circa 1980
• Ditto mugs
• Ditto side plates
• Ditto egg cups (in the shape of golf balls??)
• 2 packets of broad bean seeds, 1 packet of thyme seeds and a packet of radish seeds (plant by 1998 for best results)
• Numerous plug-in air fresheners - because they might be a fire hazard, or so one national newspaper informs us. As I can't recall which make, I've thrown them all out in case they catch fire and burn my house down whilst I'm out buying mince pies in Sainsbury's.

Okay, off to the local tip with my sacks full of domestic waste. And I swore this Christmas would be stress free...Jingle-bliddy-bells, my a**e!

On the 2nd day of Christmas...

...I trimmed the fireplace hoping I can convince the kids it's enough decoration chez Houghton and we really don't need a tree. Why don't I want a tree? Cos I have 14 coming for Christmas dinner which means moving around the furniture which won't fit anywhere except where it is...if you know what I mean.

A tree would take up valuable space, I insist, but realise the moment I leave the house, the tree will be rescued from the cupboard under the stairs and given pride of place, where it will gather dust and dog hairs until it looks like it has its own coat as in this pic from last year.

Bah, Humbug!

I'm not a lazy blogger...

For some bizarre reason I've been locked out of my own blog and when I do manage to sign in and NO I do NOT have more than one account and yes I have tried every which way to get in thank you very much Mr Blogger FAQ NO Help At All!
The bar at the top which I need to click to get onto Dashboard has disappeared and when I do manage to get it back and click Dashboard - oh, I really can't be bothered. So, if I disappear again, you'll know it's not deliberate!


As it's been so long since my last post there ought to be loads to tell..there isn't...much.

On writerly matters:

1. I sent out 8 short stories (re-edited old ones) to the womags
2. I finished reading James Herbert's The Secret of Crickley Hall - super book!
3. Started reading Stephen King's Lisey's Story
4. I sent my novel to 2 more agents - still haven't heard back from one who's had it 4 mths.
5. Wrote a few more paras of the newest novel
6. Wrote 2 new short stories - not sent out as in first draft
7. Banked a cheque from Take a Break
8. Received my contributer's copy of Woman's Weekly with a story of mine in.
9. Finished crits from my writing course
10. Received grateful feedback for my crits - so nice to get feedback whether grateful or not!

Other stuff going on in my life:

1. Started a crash diet in an effort to get into same party dress as last year - is it possible to lose 2 stone just drinking Actimel??
2. Finished Christmas shopping
3. Stocked freezer with party food
4. Bought more plates/dishes as I've extra people coming this year
5. Bought a few new decorations despite having far too many already
6. Dropped hints as to what I want for Christmas (boooks, books, and books!)
7. Got a haircut

Tripping

I've been doing some critiques this week - short women's fiction, um, I mean short fiction for women. See how my brain's seized up? No, actually, I have to say it's been very rewarding and I've discovered an awful lot about my own writing from doing it.

I've also discovered if I sit at my desk for 6 hours at a time and drink too much coffee I hallucinate and start imagining all sorts of frightening things. For instance, I thought I heard someone say Woman magazine has stopped running short fiction. I was tripping, obviously. What? Huh? It's true!!!!



Got 2 sales last week, and a fat cheque from Take A Break has paid off my Christmas presents overdraft.




The new novel is stuck at 14,000 words and I'm seriously wondering if I haven't plagurised James Herbert's latest...his written far better, obviously - I kneel at your feet and kiss your hairy toes, oh Scary One.

Here's a photo of me editing out all the similarities.

Virus Alert

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload- Recreational- Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take2 good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known asWork-Isolator- Neutralizer- Extractor (WINE).
The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting- Infiltrator- Remover-All- Zones(SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it.

The next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available- System-Killer (CASK).Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminatedfrom your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, youhave already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virusis DEADLY(Destroys- Every-Available- Decent-Living- Youngster) .

Update 25-05-06:
After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent- Extractor- Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

Smoke Gets in your Eyes

Today, I discovered my grandfather's, brother's wife (sis-in-law then, yes, I think that's right...) was one of the glam models who appeared on advertising posters for Craven 'A' cigarettes in the thirties. Why I find this so exciting, I have no idea, but wouldn't you be just a little bit chuffed, too?

Okay, smoking is very un-PC these days but back then cigarettes were almost considered medicinal. Craven's advertising slogan was their brand was 'Good for sore throats'!

I wonder what product my grandchildren will balk at in 50 years?

"Gran! You actually drank water? And from the tap?"

Could spin the other way, I suppose. Maybe alcohol will be good for the liver...

Guy Fawkes

Especially for those who aren't going to a bonfire tonight - the safe way to watch fireworks!

Mags I have been pubbed in

Saddam gets the death penalty and I get a sale to The Weekly News.

I'm often asked which magazines I've been published in so here's the list:

# Woman
#Woman Fiction Specials
#Woman's Weekly
#Woman's Weekly Specials
#The People's Friend
#My Weekly
#My Weekly Specials
#The Lady
#Best
#Bella
#Chat It's Fate
#That's Life
#Take A Break
#Take A Break Fiction Feast & Specials
#The Weekly News
#Ireland's Own
#Woman's Way, Ireland
#Woman's Era - Delhi Press, India
#Woman This Month - Bahrain
#Woman's Day - Australia
#That's Life - Australia
#Fast Fiction - Australia
#Take 5 - Australia
#Allas - Sweden
#Hjemmet - Norway/Denmark
#You - South Africa
#Love Letters - Germany, Switzerland, France & Austria

Time flies and inflatable beds

Almost a week since a post as I've been too busy with other things like...

• Helping hubby out in his business while staff are off sick/on holiday
• Teaching aged parent to use a computer
• Getting stuff together for a workshop on creative writing
• Clearing out spare room ready for rellies turning up at weekend
• Putting together a gas BBQ ready for Bonfire night party

With Christmas looming my thoughts turned to where I'm going to put the 4 extra people staying overnight. Usually they end up in sleeping bags on the floor but this year I've bought an inflatable bed. And not just one of those camping mattress types, oh no, this one is a queen size, raised model with an electric pump.

Thing is, I ordered it before looking up the reviews and guess what? Yep, this particular model scores 1 out of 10! Apparently it's main problem is it tends to deflate during use, which could be bothersome not to mention uncomfortable and possibly noisy. Of course, there're probably thousands of people who've bought from this manufacturer and are quite happy with their purchase (only the disgruntled tend to write reviews) but if you're passing my house on Christmas morning and you hear a rather long, rasping fart...it's not me, okay!

Seeking Famous footballer.

If it's fame and fortune you're looking for, don't bother writing a book. You'd be better off going into business, or sleeping with a footballer...so says Jenny Diski

Pitching your novel

I was going to write up something here about how to pitch your novel if you happen to be in the presence of an agent who'll allow you ten minutes of her time...but I can't beat this advice so go read here

Longest Word?

Had to edit a short story down by 300 words for an Oz mag today, which got me to thinking...what is the longest word in the world?

1. pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis - a lung disease apparently.
2. antidisestablishmentarianism -opposition to the disestablishment of the Church of England
3. Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch - Welsh town
4. floccinaucinihilipilification - dunno!
5. honorificabilitudinitatibus - blame Shakespeare for this one (Love's Labours Lost)

And not sure if this is true but the chemical name for the Tryptophan Synthetase protein is...deep breath....


methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalany lalanylglutaminylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalany lphenylalanylvalylprolylphenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspa rtylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylserylleucyllysylisoleu cylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanylglycylalanylaspar tylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylalanylser ylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonyliso leucylglutaminylaspfraginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylpheny lalanylalanylalanylglycylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcyste inylphenylalanylglutamylmethionylleucylalanylleucylisoleucylargin ylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleucylprolylisoleucylgl ycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylvalylpheny lalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalany ltyrosylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylva lylaspartylserylvalylleucylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglu taminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphenylalanylarginylglutaminylalan ylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylalanylprolylisoleucy lphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylaspartyl aspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryl tyrosylglycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylseryl arginylalanylglycylvalylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparag inylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleucylasparaginylhistidylleucy lvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparaginylalanylalany lprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylser ylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylas partylalanylglycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylser ylalanylisoleucylvalyllysylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhi stidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylprolylglutamyllysylmethio nylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalylglutaminylp rolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine.


1,193 letters. Unless you know better?

The Importance of Proofreading

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves beneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the 'R' , we missed the ' R' !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...CELEB RATE !!! "

Down Under

Woke up to an email this morning from an editor of an Oz mag wanting to buy the 2nd Rights to a short story I sent her in May. As I'd forgotten she still had it, it came as a nice surprise. My Christmas fund is stacking up nicely.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Whether or not it's a publicity stunt remains to be seen, but thousands (nay, millions) of readers will be sad to hear the last Lemony Snicket book, the thirteenth in the series, has been published.

For those not familiar with LS, the books follow the adventures of the three wealthy Baudelaire children who are sent to live with a distant relative, Count Olaf, after their parents are killed in a fire. Cousin Olaf isn't the kindly guardian they'd hoped for as he plans to kill them and seize their fortune.

Jim Carrey played Count Olaf in the movie - a brilliant role for him, I thought.


Book Blurb Quote :

You are presumably looking at the back of this book, or the end of the end. The end of the end is the best place to begin the end, because if you read the end from the beginning of the beginning of the end to the end of the end of the end, you will arrive at the end of the end of your rope. - Lemony Snicket

Foggy Thoughts

Is it really Tuesday? Where did the weekend go? I know I spent most of it fiddling with the new PC and getting it just so...

One short story sale to report to Allas, Sweden. Been a while since I got a sale with them so especially pleased. As a writing mate remarked, 'It's like an old friend appearing out of a dense fog'. Sums it up perfectly.

NaNoWriMo's upon us again. I admire anyone who signs up for masochistic task. The thought of completing a novel, however dire, in 30 days... sends me queasy just thinking about it.

History Matters

Taken from the History Matters website:

History Matters - pass it on is all about raising awareness of the importance of history in our everyday lives and encouraging involvement in heritage in England and Wales. Our goal is to build public support and interest in looking after our history and heritage - today and in the future.
We know that history is something many people feel strongly about. But in the rush of our daily lives it's all too easy to take it for granted. And when it comes to the order of public priorities history is often sidelined. We urge you to join the campaign and show your support. Collectively the events taking place and opinions expressed will demonstrate the importance of history and heritage to the nation and become a unique record of our time.

Want to know why you can't sell your stories to the women's magazines?

First off, it probably has nothing to do with how well you write. That doesn't mean you can send out a sloppy ms. Note: See FAQ on guidelines in the archives.
It means, no amount of literary prose will impress a magazine editor unless it's what she/he is looking for. It must 'fit' his/her magazine (look I'm sick of being PC and writing 'his/her' so in future it's 'her' okay?).

I've seen some beautiful writing by folk with far greater experience/literary talent than I have, yet they can't sell to the womags. So, what are the eds looking for?

'I'll know it when I see it', is their usual response. I think they go as much with gut instinct as anything. But, they are experts at it and let's not forget their jobs rely on them getting it right.

So how do we please them?

• Your story has to be a satisfying read - a hook at the beginning, no saggy middle and you must tie up all the loose ends at the finish. A reader should go 'Ahhh' at the close, not 'What the f***?'


• The characters must be well-drawn, the sort their readership would recognise and identify with. You don't find many tattooed, bikers living with unmarried mums in The People's Friend, or wool shop owners wearing Tweed (the cloth or the perfume take yer pick) in Take A Break...see what I mean?


• Your character must come up against a problem which she resolves in a satisfying and believable way. The solution must be something she works through, not a sudden 'cavalry coming over the hill' type of closure. Remember Bobby Ewing waking up in the shower in Dallas?


• And this is the hardest criteria to meet...it must be something an ed hasn't seen before. Something original. Or at least a different 'take' on an old plot.

Sorry? You've made sure your story meets all the above requirements and still you can't get an acceptance? Then there's always the other reasons for non acceptance...

• It was the right story at the wrong time. Magazines plan about 4 mths ahead. Don't send a summer holiday story out in August. Likewise don't send a Christmas one out in November.


• The ed loves your story but she needed a 1000 word story and you sent in 2000 and there isn't time to ask you to cut it, so she chooses the next in the slushpile.


• The story was well-written with great characters and a smashing ending BUT the editor regrets she took something similar last week.


• The editor has bought far too many recently - enough for another six months. Make a note of this and re-send when the six months are up.

I'm sure there're a dozen other reasons if I had time to think of them (I have to feed the family sometime)

Conclusion: If you know you can write, don't take a rejection to mean your story is unsaleable. Try a different mag. One with similar guidelines, obviously, unless you're prepared to edit to fit...which a writer with a professional approach will almost certainly do.

Sales!

Two sales to report today after a rather bleak couple of weeks - hurrah! One to UK mag the other to an Australian publication. The Oz one is going in over three pages, so more dosh than usual, yay! Maybe I should've plumped for the more expensive laptop?

Laptop update

I've ordered a Fujitsu Seimens Amilo L7320G after a really nice guy from Comet talked me out of different model I 'thought' I wanted. He pointed out that I get more memory, the same processor speed PLUS Microsoft Works for the same price...I only hope he wasn't on commission for the Fujitsu..oh, he was?

Is It Me?

I'm thinking of updating my laptop - got a buyer for the present one and I have a bit of cash put by from a recent sale to Woman's Weekly so I trotted off to a well-known store full of expectations. I've come home sans laptop. Why?

Because the model I wanted comes with extras such as an infra red mouse, carry case, and Norton Security - none of which I need or want, BUT I DO need Microsoft Works/Office which the model doesn't have installed.

Why, I asked, couldn't I swap the free goodies for Works?
Because that's not the deal, said the assistant.

No amount of begging would sway her so I left without making a purchase...which would have been around £600. Seems ridiculous to me when Office cost around £119 and the 'free' goodies were the same price.

Oh well, I shall search the Internet instead and when 'well-known' store moans they're having to cut staff in-store, I'll know why!