Wednesday, 13 December 2006

The Old Ones are the Best

Things you learn from watching movies:

  • During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  • All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
  • The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
  • When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
  • Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
  • Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
  • A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
  • It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
  • A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
  • It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  • Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
  • An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
  • If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
  • It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
  • Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
  • Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
  • The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
  • You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade -- at any time of the year.

Monday, 11 December 2006

Twinkle, twinkle

Himself and I spent several hours walking round our local garden centre which for the month of December is akin to walking through the wardrobe of The Lion The Witch and The...well, you get it. A Christmas wonderland of all things kitsch. Sparkly, in yer face and fabulous!

My only gripe is (of course there has to be one) what is it with these places that they almost always have a section exclusively selling pickles and preserves? I mean where's the connection? You go in for daffodil bulbs/grass seed and come out with preserves? And the biggest secret is how do they get folk to hand over a month's salary for them?

"Oh, look, Mother, a jar of horseradish and it's only six pounds fifty. What a bargain!"

Sunday, 10 December 2006

Am I Bovered?

He comes into the room and looks at me. "What are you watching?"
I glance up at the TV which I'm not even aware is switched on, so engrossed am I in the latest Stephen King novel. "Dunno?" I shrug and concentrate for a while on the choristers belting out 'Silent Night'. "Christmas carols by the look of it."
He sighs heavily. "I suppose that'll be your next fad."
"Well, not being funny, nor nuffin but you arty farty types tend to be either God botherers or veggies. It's only a matter of time, I guess."

Amen...and pass the collection plate!

On the writing front -
  • 2 rejections for short stories
  • 1 published in Woman's Weekly - Santa's Little Helper.
  • Sent novel to 2 more agents.