Diets

Oh gawd, the holiday is booked...how to lose 2 stone in 6 weeks? Answers on a postcard please.
No, scratch that, the all-concealing kaftan is the answer. Ebay here I come!

Women's mags aren't big on dieting stories, least not ones where the female protagonist has to lose 2 stone to attract her man. With this is mind, I wrote two shorts where the women were plump and proud of it - they both sold, 1 to Woman and 1 to Fiction Feast.

Horoscope 2007

I don't normally look up my horoscope (I'm a Leo, by the way) but couldn't help peeping at the Special Section(?) in today's Sunday paper supplement.


January - Song lyrics figure big this month...Waterloo is the hero's fave song in my novel so maybe this means the book will be made into a musical?? I'll have to go ex-directory as Sir Elton John makes a nuisance of himself begging to work on the score.

February - A cash deal will be on the table - that will be my publishing contract, right?

March - A hobby will make me good money abroad...my novel will go to auction in America with several publishing houses in the bidding.

April - My talent will be recognised...I'll be nominated and win the Booker Prize, or maybe the Los Angeles Book Prize. Could even be the prestigious Throcking Parva Public Library Most Overdue Fiction Prize.

May - The sun and moon will illuminate my ambition chart so I can overcome doubts that have stopped me showcasing my talent in front of an audience...The New Wembley Stadium? Albert Hall? Sydney Opera House? Little Markle Village Hall?

June - A sports-linked prize is on the horizon... me and sport? Don't think so!

July - A dedication on the radio...Mariella Frostrup reads a passage from the novel on her show.

August - I will have the talent to win a prize this month (what another?) and I'll enjoy the fame it brings... I'll appear on Richard & Judy as the novel wins their Summer Read comp.

September - I have a hot talent for words...well obviously tsk!

October - I'll learn to enjoy broccoli...??????

November - Others share their dreams with me...back off, this is my ego trip, okay!

December - I'll win the lottery...great end to the year then!

Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year!

How was it for you? We had a great time if a bit cramped at the old homestead. Looking forward to the new year now...and no, no resolutions as I never keep them.

I hope you're all writing summer holiday stories and even back to school ones (September I mean). Remember the mags work at least six months in advance. If you're thinking of submitting an Easter story it may be worth your while dropping the editor a quick line to ask if they're in need first as they tend to be overstocked with seasonal stuff.

The Old Ones are the Best

Things you learn from watching movies:

• During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
• All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
• The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
• When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
• Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
• Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
• A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
• It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
• Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
• An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
• If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
• It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
• Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
• You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
• If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade -- at any time of the year.

Twinkle, twinkle

Himself and I spent several hours walking round our local garden centre which for the month of December is akin to walking through the wardrobe of The Lion The Witch and The...well, you get it. A Christmas wonderland of all things kitsch. Sparkly, in yer face and fabulous!

My only gripe is (of course there has to be one) what is it with these places that they almost always have a section exclusively selling pickles and preserves? I mean where's the connection? You go in for daffodil bulbs/grass seed and come out with preserves? And the biggest secret is how do they get folk to hand over a month's salary for them?

"Oh, look, Mother, a jar of horseradish and it's only six pounds fifty. What a bargain!"

Am I Bovered?

He comes into the room and looks at me. "What are you watching?"
I glance up at the TV which I'm not even aware is switched on, so engrossed am I in the latest Stephen King novel. "Dunno?" I shrug and concentrate for a while on the choristers belting out 'Silent Night'. "Christmas carols by the look of it."
He sighs heavily. "I suppose that'll be your next fad."
"Huh?"
"Well, not being funny, nor nuffin but you arty farty types tend to be either God botherers or veggies. It's only a matter of time, I guess."

Amen...and pass the collection plate!

On the writing front -

• 2 rejections for short stories
• 1 published in Woman's Weekly - Santa's Little Helper.
• Sent novel to 2 more agents.

Taking the pith!

Every year I make those clove-studded oranges to hang on the tree and every year I end up with sore thumbs, so I decided to use a cocktail stick to make the hole in the peel first...what happens? I stab my finger with the stick and end up with a splinter.

And yes, I know I said I wasn't putting up a tree this year but the kids won and I gave in. Himself not pleased as his favourite chair is now at the wrong angle for viewing the TV but we all have to make sacrifices...

And it continues...

Time to clear out the kitchen cupboards in a pre-Christmas, pre-Spring clean. So far I've filled numerous bin liners with:

• 4 Tupperware containers sans lids
• Assortment of rusty metal cookware tins - why do I have 3 muffin tins?
• 3 horrid flan dishes caked with...well, let's say, greasy.
• 1 water purifier - cracked but saved in case it miraculously repairs itself
• The plastic baskets to an old veg steamer - I bought a new one last year and hoped I could fit the old baskets on it so I could steam 10lb of sprouts in one go. They didn't fit but were saved anyhow. Why? I have no idea.
• 1 plastic colander slightly melted on one side where it came into contact with a hot roasting pan
• Various odd soup bowls circa 1980
• Ditto mugs
• Ditto side plates
• Ditto egg cups (in the shape of golf balls??)
• 2 packets of broad bean seeds, 1 packet of thyme seeds and a packet of radish seeds (plant by 1998 for best results)
• Numerous plug-in air fresheners - because they might be a fire hazard, or so one national newspaper informs us. As I can't recall which make, I've thrown them all out in case they catch fire and burn my house down whilst I'm out buying mince pies in Sainsbury's.

Okay, off to the local tip with my sacks full of domestic waste. And I swore this Christmas would be stress free...Jingle-bliddy-bells, my a**e!

On the 2nd day of Christmas...

...I trimmed the fireplace hoping I can convince the kids it's enough decoration chez Houghton and we really don't need a tree. Why don't I want a tree? Cos I have 14 coming for Christmas dinner which means moving around the furniture which won't fit anywhere except where it is...if you know what I mean.

A tree would take up valuable space, I insist, but realise the moment I leave the house, the tree will be rescued from the cupboard under the stairs and given pride of place, where it will gather dust and dog hairs until it looks like it has its own coat as in this pic from last year.

Bah, Humbug!

I'm not a lazy blogger...

For some bizarre reason I've been locked out of my own blog and when I do manage to sign in and NO I do NOT have more than one account and yes I have tried every which way to get in thank you very much Mr Blogger FAQ NO Help At All!
The bar at the top which I need to click to get onto Dashboard has disappeared and when I do manage to get it back and click Dashboard - oh, I really can't be bothered. So, if I disappear again, you'll know it's not deliberate!


As it's been so long since my last post there ought to be loads to tell..there isn't...much.

On writerly matters:

1. I sent out 8 short stories (re-edited old ones) to the womags
2. I finished reading James Herbert's The Secret of Crickley Hall - super book!
3. Started reading Stephen King's Lisey's Story
4. I sent my novel to 2 more agents - still haven't heard back from one who's had it 4 mths.
5. Wrote a few more paras of the newest novel
6. Wrote 2 new short stories - not sent out as in first draft
7. Banked a cheque from Take a Break
8. Received my contributer's copy of Woman's Weekly with a story of mine in.
9. Finished crits from my writing course
10. Received grateful feedback for my crits - so nice to get feedback whether grateful or not!

Other stuff going on in my life:

1. Started a crash diet in an effort to get into same party dress as last year - is it possible to lose 2 stone just drinking Actimel??
2. Finished Christmas shopping
3. Stocked freezer with party food
4. Bought more plates/dishes as I've extra people coming this year
5. Bought a few new decorations despite having far too many already
6. Dropped hints as to what I want for Christmas (boooks, books, and books!)
7. Got a haircut

Tripping

I've been doing some critiques this week - short women's fiction, um, I mean short fiction for women. See how my brain's seized up? No, actually, I have to say it's been very rewarding and I've discovered an awful lot about my own writing from doing it.

I've also discovered if I sit at my desk for 6 hours at a time and drink too much coffee I hallucinate and start imagining all sorts of frightening things. For instance, I thought I heard someone say Woman magazine has stopped running short fiction. I was tripping, obviously. What? Huh? It's true!!!!



Got 2 sales last week, and a fat cheque from Take A Break has paid off my Christmas presents overdraft.




The new novel is stuck at 14,000 words and I'm seriously wondering if I haven't plagurised James Herbert's latest...his written far better, obviously - I kneel at your feet and kiss your hairy toes, oh Scary One.

Here's a photo of me editing out all the similarities.

Virus Alert

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload- Recreational- Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take2 good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known asWork-Isolator- Neutralizer- Extractor (WINE).
The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting- Infiltrator- Remover-All- Zones(SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it.

The next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available- System-Killer (CASK).Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminatedfrom your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, youhave already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virusis DEADLY(Destroys- Every-Available- Decent-Living- Youngster) .

Update 25-05-06:
After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent- Extractor- Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

Smoke Gets in your Eyes

Today, I discovered my grandfather's, brother's wife (sis-in-law then, yes, I think that's right...) was one of the glam models who appeared on advertising posters for Craven 'A' cigarettes in the thirties. Why I find this so exciting, I have no idea, but wouldn't you be just a little bit chuffed, too?

Okay, smoking is very un-PC these days but back then cigarettes were almost considered medicinal. Craven's advertising slogan was their brand was 'Good for sore throats'!

I wonder what product my grandchildren will balk at in 50 years?

"Gran! You actually drank water? And from the tap?"

Could spin the other way, I suppose. Maybe alcohol will be good for the liver...

Guy Fawkes

Especially for those who aren't going to a bonfire tonight - the safe way to watch fireworks!

Mags I have been pubbed in

Saddam gets the death penalty and I get a sale to The Weekly News.

I'm often asked which magazines I've been published in so here's the list:

# Woman
#Woman Fiction Specials
#Woman's Weekly
#Woman's Weekly Specials
#The People's Friend
#My Weekly
#My Weekly Specials
#The Lady
#Best
#Bella
#Chat It's Fate
#That's Life
#Take A Break
#Take A Break Fiction Feast & Specials
#The Weekly News
#Ireland's Own
#Woman's Way, Ireland
#Woman's Era - Delhi Press, India
#Woman This Month - Bahrain
#Woman's Day - Australia
#That's Life - Australia
#Fast Fiction - Australia
#Take 5 - Australia
#Allas - Sweden
#Hjemmet - Norway/Denmark
#You - South Africa
#Love Letters - Germany, Switzerland, France & Austria

Time flies and inflatable beds

Almost a week since a post as I've been too busy with other things like...

• Helping hubby out in his business while staff are off sick/on holiday
• Teaching aged parent to use a computer
• Getting stuff together for a workshop on creative writing
• Clearing out spare room ready for rellies turning up at weekend
• Putting together a gas BBQ ready for Bonfire night party

With Christmas looming my thoughts turned to where I'm going to put the 4 extra people staying overnight. Usually they end up in sleeping bags on the floor but this year I've bought an inflatable bed. And not just one of those camping mattress types, oh no, this one is a queen size, raised model with an electric pump.

Thing is, I ordered it before looking up the reviews and guess what? Yep, this particular model scores 1 out of 10! Apparently it's main problem is it tends to deflate during use, which could be bothersome not to mention uncomfortable and possibly noisy. Of course, there're probably thousands of people who've bought from this manufacturer and are quite happy with their purchase (only the disgruntled tend to write reviews) but if you're passing my house on Christmas morning and you hear a rather long, rasping fart...it's not me, okay!

Seeking Famous footballer.

If it's fame and fortune you're looking for, don't bother writing a book. You'd be better off going into business, or sleeping with a footballer...so says Jenny Diski

Pitching your novel

I was going to write up something here about how to pitch your novel if you happen to be in the presence of an agent who'll allow you ten minutes of her time...but I can't beat this advice so go read here

Longest Word?

Had to edit a short story down by 300 words for an Oz mag today, which got me to thinking...what is the longest word in the world?

1. pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis - a lung disease apparently.
2. antidisestablishmentarianism -opposition to the disestablishment of the Church of England
3. Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch - Welsh town
4. floccinaucinihilipilification - dunno!
5. honorificabilitudinitatibus - blame Shakespeare for this one (Love's Labours Lost)

And not sure if this is true but the chemical name for the Tryptophan Synthetase protein is...deep breath....


methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalany lalanylglutaminylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalany lphenylalanylvalylprolylphenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspa rtylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylserylleucyllysylisoleu cylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanylglycylalanylaspar tylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylalanylser ylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonyliso leucylglutaminylaspfraginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylpheny lalanylalanylalanylglycylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcyste inylphenylalanylglutamylmethionylleucylalanylleucylisoleucylargin ylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleucylprolylisoleucylgl ycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylvalylpheny lalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalany ltyrosylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylva lylaspartylserylvalylleucylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglu taminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphenylalanylarginylglutaminylalan ylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylalanylprolylisoleucy lphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylaspartyl aspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryl tyrosylglycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylseryl arginylalanylglycylvalylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparag inylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleucylasparaginylhistidylleucy lvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparaginylalanylalany lprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylser ylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylas partylalanylglycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylser ylalanylisoleucylvalyllysylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhi stidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylprolylglutamyllysylmethio nylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalylglutaminylp rolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine.


1,193 letters. Unless you know better?

The Importance of Proofreading

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves beneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the 'R' , we missed the ' R' !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...CELEB RATE !!! "