Chickle!

I know folk get tired of being sent jokes via the Interweb, especially ones that have been doing the rounds for yonks, but this one made me splutter coffee over the keyboard. So thank you Ginny, for this little gem:

Yesterday I was at my local Co-op buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the Co-op.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Website makeover

Been fiddling about with the website, yet again. Not this one, the other one.

I'd been using Trellix site builder for some years but then tried to migrate to their new web builder with disastrous results. I lost half the content - my fault, I'm sure. But anyway, then one of my writer friends, Jill Steeples, told me about Moonfruit and how easy it was. I agree. Much easier! And I don't have to pay to get adverts removed either!

So, if you click here or on the link at the top of this page it should take you to my nice new site. Similar content to the old one, just a bit smarter..but that's only my opinion ;0)

I think I've done everything necessary to divert traffic from my old site to the new one but apparently it can take a while for it all to kick in...or whatever the techie term is. And then there's the wait for Google and other search engines to crawl all over it and gather up keywords and other important techie stuff.

Have you created a Mary-Sue or a Gary-Stu?

If you're wondering what the heck I'm talking about, don't worry, I'd never heard of it either, but apparently, in literary criticism, a'Mary-Sue'is a fictional character the writer has created who...you know what, I really can't be bothered to explain so here's what Wikipedia has to say about it:

A Mary Sue (or Gary Stu), is a character with overly idealized and hackneyed mannerisms, lacking noteworthy flaws, and primarily functioning as wish-fulfillment fantasies for their authors or readers. Perhaps the single underlying feature of all characters described as 'Mary Sues' is that they are too ostentatious for the audience's taste, or that the author seems to favor the character too highly. The author may seem to push how exceptional and wonderful the 'Mary Sue' character is on his or her audience, sometimes leading the audience to dislike or even resent the character fairly quickly; such a character could be described as an 'author's pet'.


Someone has even devised what is known as The Mary-Sue Litmus Test. Be warned, it's awfully long.

Did I learn anything from it? Well, not really. It's a basic principle when creating characters. Make them likeable, well-drawn and not cliched...end of. Simples!

My Roots Needed Doing

I've been rootling around on Ancestry.co.uk for a couple of years on and off mainly because it interests me and it appeals to the nosey side of my personality but also to find out if the family legend is true and we really are related to Sir Isaac Newton and G. K. Chesterton...yes, I know it sounds unlikely but one never knows!

Well, after struggling to get the ancestry website to work properly - it isn't compliant with IE8 Vista apparently you need Firefox 3 - I've discovered that we do indeed have a long line of Chestertons in the family but sadly they're the 'wrong sort'. They're the Leicester Chestertons not the London lot. It makes a difference!

We do have an Isaac Newton, but again, not the Sir Isaac and born a hundred or more years too late. Ah well!

Still, I did get some joy on the genealogy front...today I marked up my 400th ancestor link and have now been able to trace back to the 1600's on both maternal and paternal side of the Cooling family (Cooling is my maiden name, by the way).



I rather like the look of this old girl. She's called Esther Chesterton (nee Hardwick 1823-1873) and the mother to nine children. Bit weird putting faces to deceased rellies and even weirder if you think how far we've come from sepia photos to sharing them around the world on the Internet.

The tombstone belongs to another Chesterton rellie - Richard Chesterton and his son Richard Jnr. Lovely inscription and so clear considering its age. It's in Hungerton churchyard, Leicester, so one day I'll go take a look at it. Oh and I hear there's a Chesterton House somewhere in Leicester...maybe it's the stately pile I've been looking for!

Ancestry

A few years back I traced my dad's side of the family (the Coolings) back to 1696. It wasn't difficult. They lived, worked and died (but for one brief migration down to Peterborough) in Southwell, Nottinghamshire. Most had unremarkable lives but I was re-reading all this stuff this morning and with Christmas approaching, thought the following, dated Boxing Day 1839, rather poignant. Just imagine what this family would've been going through.

The letter concerns my gt.gt.gt-grandfather, George Cooling, father of 6, who on being made redundant from a local hosiery mill in 1839, threw himself on the mercy of the Guardians of the Southwell Union Poor Law Commission. The board ordered he should be granted 3 stone of bread, value 8 shillings, whilst he sought work. I have a copy of a letter dated 29th December 1839, written by Edward Senior, which states:

'The relief given may be sanctioned, it might be well to state to the Guardians that the Commissioners believe much evil is occasioned by granting out door relief in a District where labour is usually well rewarded and where no want of Employment is general, by keeping up the feeling, that the Parish is bound to make up for lost time, and state that the real motive for granting such relief is the Commissioners apprehend the pecuniary interest of the Parish and advise that in similar instances in future the Workhouse only be offered'.

On the reverse of this letter is a draft letter back from the Poor Law Commission to the effect that they will not withhold such sanction from the outdoor relief given to George Cooling as his becoming unemployed was no fault of his as the mill where he'd worked had fallen into bankruptcy.

I assume George did find employment soon after as I can find no mention of his family having gone into Southwell Workhouse.




I've been promising myself that one day I'll take the guided tour. It's only a few miles away and we did go to Southwell recently so I could take some photos and get a 'feel' as to where I'm from, so to speak. However we didn't get to see the workhouse from the inside as it was closed season. Maybe next year. And I'll take along my notebook in case any story plots present themselves. Probably ghostly ones!

I did have a spooky experience whilst looking around the village. We'd just come out of the minster and I was standing by a row of terraced houses imagining them on a book cover of my first historical saga (no, don't laugh)and when I got home and checked the address, where I'd been standing was next door to the actual house one of my rellies had lived! Okay, maybe coincidence, after all the village isn't that big, but nevertheless..

The Lovely Blog Award

Ah, you meet some lovely people in this writing game. My friend Janice Horton has made my day by giving me The Lovely Blog Award which I’m so ridiculously pleased to accept, you'd think I'd won tonight's lottery!.

And now the rules say:
1) Accept the award, and don’t forget to post a link back to the awarding person.
2) Pass the award on.
3) Notify the award winners.

So I'd like to pass the award on to (trumpets and drum roll, please) Teresa Ashby because I've long admired her work and her blog is always entertaining and interesting.

Pumpkin pie

Here's Amy carving a spider!

With 4 pumpkins turned into spooky lanterns there was an awful lot of flesh to work with! We bought ready-made pastry bases and then followed the recipe below:



For the filling:

1lb pureed pumpkin
1 large tin of condensed milk
2 eggs
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 tspoon ground ginger
1/2 tspoon ground nutmeg
pinch salt

Method:
Pre-heat oven to 200 degrees
To the pureed pumpkin add everything else and mix well
Bake for 15 mins at 200 degrees then turn heat down to 170 for another 35 mins.
You'll know it's done when it's set like an egg custard.

Happy Halloween

Isn't my daughter, Amy, clever? She took about half an hour to carve this last night and I think it's brilliant. Beats the usual scary face doesn't it?

Going a Bit Lynne Truss

My local corner shop/newsagent went bust a few years back and my next nearest looks to be suffering the same fate (thanks to supermarkets but don't get me started on that one). For months there has been gossip of it going into liquidation and when they stopped selling magazines and newspapers it seemed as if the rumours were true.

Today there's a big sign outside declaring 'THERE BACK - MAGAZINES/NEWSPAPERS NOW IN STOCK'.

I went in hoping to get Women's Weekly (Paula William's final serial chapter of Burying Bad News) but the shelves were bare. Feeling cheated, I couldn't resist pointing out someone had used the wrong spelling on the board outside.

'Oh yes,' said the assistant. 'Should be T-H-E-I-R shouldn't it?'

'No, it should be T-H-E-Y'R-E.' She looked at me as if I was a nutter, and admittedly I did feel a bit Lynne Truss as I vigorously signed an air apostrophe.

I suppose if folk go in just to point out it's wrong it might increase 'THERE' sales huh?

PS. I am now paranoid you're searching this blog for grammatical/spelling errors. Be assured, you'll find plenty! Just don't write to tell me!

Short Story Radio Competition

Short Story Radio is proud to announce the Short Story Radio Romance Award 2010. This exciting and innovative new writing competition offers romantic fiction writers the chance to have their work recorded and broadcast, as well as to receive a cash prize.
We are looking for an engaging and entertaining romance story (previously unpublished) , told in two parts of no more than 5,000 words in total, similar to the type of romance story you will find in a women's magazine.

Word length: synopsis (no more than one page of A4) and first part of story (2,000 minimum to 2,500 maximum words). This first part must end with a “hook” or “cliffhanger” to entice the listener to listen to the second part of the story. Only short-listed entrants will be asked to send the second part of the story.

The winning story will be recorded and broadcast, in two episodes, on the Short Story Radio website and podcast. The winner will also receive a cash prize of £150 and the title of winner of the Short Story Radio Romance Award 2010.

The short-list judge for this competition is Pat Richardson, founder of Perfectly Worded Writing and Editing Consultancy and former Fiction Editor at Best magazine (UK).

More information at http://www.shortstoryradio.com/short_story_competitions.htm

Gather ye cheggies

Everyone's been saying what a rotten year it is for chestnuts but not up here in Notts. My kids went out gathering just a mile away and came back with this lot after only an hour's work. I didn't go with them. Getting spiny thorns out of finger ends for a week afterwards is to be avoided at all cost especially if you're a writer!

My daughter washed and dried the haul and prepared to roast them. I favoured banging them in the microwave for a few seconds but I was over-ruled. They wanted them done in the chiminea outside for that authentic taste. They had a point. As a child, I remember going shopping with my gran shortly before Christmas and on the way to the bus station stopping off at a street vendor to buy sixpence worth of chestnuts from a glowing brazier - yes, dear readers, I really am that old - then hugging the brown paper bag in my mitten-clad paws until we were on the bus home. I know hot chestnuts can still be found but I bet the open brazier's been replaced with an 'authentic barrow'.

But back from the Dickensian fantasy - we were out of coals and logs for the chiminea so several pounds of cheggies went in my electric fan oven instead. Someone should've set the timer because when they were dished up the anticipated smokey-soft kernel had shrivelled and dried (along with the obligatory maggots contained therein) making them inedible. They'd have been more succulent if they'd been put through the Hadron Collider.

Oh and here's a little blast from the past...remember Johnny Morris of Animal Magic fame? He had a regular slot on BBC Children’s TV in the 1950s as The Hot Chestnut Man, telling stories over a brazier.

Fun

First son and his girlfriend are up from London, visiting for a week. They won't be around for our yuletide get together as they'll be off to Denmark.
I was toying with the idea of doing the whole tinsel lunch shebang but it was decided we'd go for a meal at a local Asian restaurant instead. Phew!
Jhinook came up to expectation as usual, though our request to ignore the set starter menu and 'Just bring us out a mix' cost us dearly and I don't mean cash-wise! The house still smells like a Bombay back street!

On Sunday we went off to Meadowhall (Sheffield) which is only 30 mins away and had a meal in a tapas bar followed by an hour and a half chuckle watching Pixar's newest creation, UP, in 3D.

We were handed free (at £9.70 a seat I should think so too!) viewing goggles - black-framed plastic things with polarised lenses - which are quite trendy in a Thunderbirds kind of way and a vast improvement on the paper efforts with the red and green lenses.

The 3D effects weren't the 'in yer face throw things out at the audience' sort I expected, but subtle and very realistic. I wasn't sure I'd enjoy a film about some old codger who transports his home by lifting it from its foundations using balloons, but I loved it. Especially the character Russell - very lovable and funny.

It wasn't until afterwards I realised it'd addressed infertility, death (weepy scene I thought kids might not grasp but I overheard a youngster seated in front sniffle!), single parenting, loss of childhood illusions, and the necessities of respecting nature. Not bad for a PG rated film eh?

House for Sale

Penrhiw House, ABERCYCH, Boncath, Pembrokeshire, SA37 0HB

Reduced to £199,950

Anyone out there looking for property in a fabulous setting? If so, this house might fit the bill. Apart from a lovely sitting room and dream country kitchen look at the garden! If you know of any reflexologists then this house comes with the option of continuing the owner's business. He has a list of almost 200 clients and he has never advertised so there is huge potential to expand.



All this and a beach only 7 miles away.

For lots more info go here

The People's Friend Subs Update

Have just heard PF will only now accept hard copy plus sae, or with a request to recycle and have a reply via email - the latter best all round, I think. But no denying it's yet another blow to the writer. I suppose they're trying to save the expense of printing out our emailed stories and passing the expense of postage on to us.

Who Rules the Fiction Roost?

I sent the novel out again last Wednesday to a small independent publisher in the UK. It came back just short of 12 hours with a 'Though you write fluidly with well-drawn characters and an unusual and intriguing plot...we have to decline at this time.' Blah, blah!

I no longer want to kick small furry pets or throw things at the wall when I hear this. I kind of expect it and I would give up were it not for a half dozen full ms reads by agents who were full of praise for it but subsequently turned it down with varying excuses basically blaming today's marketing climate. In other words, the industry is at the mercy of the big book chains.

Robert McCrum in his article in The Observer writes:
How can good new writers be published when the industry is ruled by people who aren't interested in originality?

How indeed? And, okay, maybe I am deluded and like many an X Factor contestant I should give up the dream...but I can't.

PS No furry pets were harmed in the making of my novel - only offspring and Himself.

Today I am mostly eating...

...Sunshine soup with home-made bread for starters - caramelised onion and goat's cheese tart for main.

I fancied a break from writing today (writers' block) so dug through the cupboards and fridge for something to turn into delicious grub.


I call it sunshine soup because it's made from yellow/orange veg...simples! Butternut squash, yellow sweet pepper,garlic and potato and parsnip, okay not all strictly yellow, but near enough. I would've thrown in a couple of carrots but the ones I had in my fridge had gone all limp.


Has to be the simplest soup to make.
Chop veg into small pieces, add chicken stock (or veggie stock if you're of that persuasion) and a good pinch of harissa and rose spice, then simmer till soft.
Blend, add more seasoning if needed. Maybe a swirl of cream and garnish to taste, as they say. I've done this recipe using coconut milk and Thai green curry paste to rings the changes a bit.


Himself mopped the dish clean with the bread (yes, I did make it...from a packet) so I assume he liked it.


Now for the main:

1 packet of flaky pastry (with only one day's life left in it, phew!).
It was the ready-rolled sort so all I had to do was un-roll it and score a half inch round the edges so it could rise and fluff up nicely.
I put that aside and to a hot frying pan added a knob of butter, 3 tablespoons each of olive oil and balsamic vinegar and when bubbling, added 500 gms onion (should be red but I only had the ordinary sort and it worked just as well) and a tablespoon of sugar.

I left that to simmer while I checked for emails from editors...none. Had time to enter a couple of comps on GMTV until all the liquid in the onions had reduced and they were nice and brown.
Note: If you make this, the kitchen will smell fab at this point and your stomach will be groaning for food!
While the onions cooled, I spread a bit of tomato and garlic puree on the pastry base but you could add fresh toms...I didnt have any. I told you I was using stuff from the cupboard!
I added the caramelised onions and veg (oh forgot to say - good tip here: those packets of frozen mediterranean veg cooked with the onions at the last minute make a nice addition.)
Lastly, I topped the lot with with slices of goat's cheese.
Bunged it in the oven for about 25 mins. making sure the bottom was cooked through. I find placing it on a slotted tray works best...or a pizza tray. Anything so the heat can get to the base. And voila!



Served with salad and/or chips. I was pleased with the results looks and taste-wise though Himself moaned he found a dog hair on his plate. Like that was my fault. Honestly!

I HAVE NEVER BEEN UP THE EIFFEL TOWER

Sorry to shout but I needed to say it VERY LOUDLY and this seemed the best place, there being no echo. Plus Himself can't mutter a childish, 'Yes you have and no come backs' under his breath.

The disagreement began like this:
I took a phone call from Second Son to say he and girlfriend had arrived safely in Paris and they were 'Up the Eiffel Tower'.
I'm gooey-eyed on hearing this as Himself and I spent our honeymoon in Paris - 35 years ago last month if you've been paying attention.

'How romantic', I said. 'Dad and I did all the other touristy stuff, but never made it up the tower.'

Puzzled look from Himself followed by lots of huffing and puffing about how could I have forgotten? The most romantic city in the world on the most romantic day of our lives and I'd forgotten.

No, I hadn't. It never happened. I'll say it again. Up the Eiffel Tower we did not go!
Could it be Blackpool Tower he's thinking of? If so, he did that alone, because I know I've never been up there, either. I do recall climbing a working windmill in Norfolk - an exercise I'll not repeat in a hurry. Watching the sails whizz past as I clung to a wonky wooden rail was enough to put me off heights and Weetabix for life. Not to mention the ensuing asthma attack.

I digress - La Tour Eiffel...I tried to end the argument by getting out the honeymoon snaps. There we are at Sacre Coeur, Montmartre, the Seine, Champs-Elysées, Notre-Dame, L'Arc de Triomph even the bliddy bus terminal but not one pic taken from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Plenty from the bottom looking up. Hah! Proof or what?

Um, no. He said we were probably still giddy with the excitement of our wedding, and so stunned by the breathless beauty of the city spread below us that we must've forgotten to use the camera.

Sigh!

Christmas Chiller Comp

If you fancy writing a spooky tale with a Christmas flavour or maybe have one already completed and languishing on your pooter, how about entering it in WriteLink’s latest short story competition, Christmas Chiller?

Briefly:

First Prize £50 and publication on Writelink
Two runners up prizes of £25.
Word count 1500 maximum
Entry fee: £4.50 per story
Entries close 8th November, 2009

Oh and your story must begin with ...
“The good fairy stared through the sifting curtain of snow and wondered … ”

I know some of you don't like paying entry fees and the prize isn't mind-boggling but it's sometimes good to get out of your usual writing style and let rip. And who knows, with a bit of editing, you might still be able to sell it on to a mag afterwards.

For more competitions visit Sally Quilford's Competition Calendar Sally regularly updates this page so there's always something interesting to be found.

Eating sweets causes violence?

Not related to writing but this made me splutter in disbelief. Some barmpot has come up with the notion that eating too many sweets as a youngster causes aggression in later life. Quote from the study:

Analysis confirms that 10-year-olds who ate confectionery daily were significantly more likely to have been convicted for violence between the ages of 29 and 34.

"Our favoured explanation is that giving children sweets and chocolate regularly may stop them learning how to wait to obtain something they want.
"Not being able to defer gratification may push them towards more impulsive behaviour, which is strongly associated with delinquency."

Isn't that contradictory? It isn't the sweets per se...it's the replacing of love and guidance with sweets? So that's bad parenting then, isn't it? Exactly what anyone with sense already knows.

Maybe these scientists would do better looking into how many pints of alcohol these same kids are necking between the ages of 10 and 29/34.
Ooh, hark at me getting all political!

Sale to report

On the very last day of the month comes a sale to Take A Break's Fiction Feast. They're buying a 2800 word Christmas story.

I don't write many seasonal stories as they normally only get one stab at a market per year if the editors are slow to read. This one I sent in August so a pretty good turnaround as it goes. If it's published in the December issue which hits the newsagents the month before, then I just might get my fee before Christmas. Here's hoping because my bank account could do with an injection of cash!

Norah McGrath (TAB editor if you don't know) also sent me a copy of their new contract to sign. I should say, new to me - apparently it came out around this time last year and I must've been missed off the list of contributors. First time I've had to sign anything for TAB, but Norah assures me:

'it has proved not at all controversial as people can still still sell on stories.'

I think I still have 2 other stories sitting in her slushpile so fingers crossed for them too, though even mentioning them has probably jinxed that possibility!