Tripping

I've been doing some critiques this week - short women's fiction, um, I mean short fiction for women. See how my brain's seized up? No, actually, I have to say it's been very rewarding and I've discovered an awful lot about my own writing from doing it.

I've also discovered if I sit at my desk for 6 hours at a time and drink too much coffee I hallucinate and start imagining all sorts of frightening things. For instance, I thought I heard someone say Woman magazine has stopped running short fiction. I was tripping, obviously. What? Huh? It's true!!!!



Got 2 sales last week, and a fat cheque from Take A Break has paid off my Christmas presents overdraft.




The new novel is stuck at 14,000 words and I'm seriously wondering if I haven't plagurised James Herbert's latest...his written far better, obviously - I kneel at your feet and kiss your hairy toes, oh Scary One.

Here's a photo of me editing out all the similarities.

Virus Alert

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload- Recreational- Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take2 good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known asWork-Isolator- Neutralizer- Extractor (WINE).
The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting- Infiltrator- Remover-All- Zones(SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it.

The next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available- System-Killer (CASK).Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminatedfrom your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, youhave already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virusis DEADLY(Destroys- Every-Available- Decent-Living- Youngster) .

Update 25-05-06:
After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent- Extractor- Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

Smoke Gets in your Eyes

Today, I discovered my grandfather's, brother's wife (sis-in-law then, yes, I think that's right...) was one of the glam models who appeared on advertising posters for Craven 'A' cigarettes in the thirties. Why I find this so exciting, I have no idea, but wouldn't you be just a little bit chuffed, too?

Okay, smoking is very un-PC these days but back then cigarettes were almost considered medicinal. Craven's advertising slogan was their brand was 'Good for sore throats'!

I wonder what product my grandchildren will balk at in 50 years?

"Gran! You actually drank water? And from the tap?"

Could spin the other way, I suppose. Maybe alcohol will be good for the liver...

Guy Fawkes

Especially for those who aren't going to a bonfire tonight - the safe way to watch fireworks!

Mags I have been pubbed in

Saddam gets the death penalty and I get a sale to The Weekly News.

I'm often asked which magazines I've been published in so here's the list:

# Woman
#Woman Fiction Specials
#Woman's Weekly
#Woman's Weekly Specials
#The People's Friend
#My Weekly
#My Weekly Specials
#The Lady
#Best
#Bella
#Chat It's Fate
#That's Life
#Take A Break
#Take A Break Fiction Feast & Specials
#The Weekly News
#Ireland's Own
#Woman's Way, Ireland
#Woman's Era - Delhi Press, India
#Woman This Month - Bahrain
#Woman's Day - Australia
#That's Life - Australia
#Fast Fiction - Australia
#Take 5 - Australia
#Allas - Sweden
#Hjemmet - Norway/Denmark
#You - South Africa
#Love Letters - Germany, Switzerland, France & Austria

Time flies and inflatable beds

Almost a week since a post as I've been too busy with other things like...

• Helping hubby out in his business while staff are off sick/on holiday
• Teaching aged parent to use a computer
• Getting stuff together for a workshop on creative writing
• Clearing out spare room ready for rellies turning up at weekend
• Putting together a gas BBQ ready for Bonfire night party

With Christmas looming my thoughts turned to where I'm going to put the 4 extra people staying overnight. Usually they end up in sleeping bags on the floor but this year I've bought an inflatable bed. And not just one of those camping mattress types, oh no, this one is a queen size, raised model with an electric pump.

Thing is, I ordered it before looking up the reviews and guess what? Yep, this particular model scores 1 out of 10! Apparently it's main problem is it tends to deflate during use, which could be bothersome not to mention uncomfortable and possibly noisy. Of course, there're probably thousands of people who've bought from this manufacturer and are quite happy with their purchase (only the disgruntled tend to write reviews) but if you're passing my house on Christmas morning and you hear a rather long, rasping fart...it's not me, okay!

Seeking Famous footballer.

If it's fame and fortune you're looking for, don't bother writing a book. You'd be better off going into business, or sleeping with a footballer...so says Jenny Diski

Pitching your novel

I was going to write up something here about how to pitch your novel if you happen to be in the presence of an agent who'll allow you ten minutes of her time...but I can't beat this advice so go read here

Longest Word?

Had to edit a short story down by 300 words for an Oz mag today, which got me to thinking...what is the longest word in the world?

1. pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis - a lung disease apparently.
2. antidisestablishmentarianism -opposition to the disestablishment of the Church of England
3. Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch - Welsh town
4. floccinaucinihilipilification - dunno!
5. honorificabilitudinitatibus - blame Shakespeare for this one (Love's Labours Lost)

And not sure if this is true but the chemical name for the Tryptophan Synthetase protein is...deep breath....


methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalany lalanylglutaminylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalany lphenylalanylvalylprolylphenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspa rtylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylserylleucyllysylisoleu cylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanylglycylalanylaspar tylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylalanylser ylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonyliso leucylglutaminylaspfraginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylpheny lalanylalanylalanylglycylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcyste inylphenylalanylglutamylmethionylleucylalanylleucylisoleucylargin ylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleucylprolylisoleucylgl ycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylvalylpheny lalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalany ltyrosylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylva lylaspartylserylvalylleucylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglu taminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphenylalanylarginylglutaminylalan ylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylalanylprolylisoleucy lphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylaspartyl aspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryl tyrosylglycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylseryl arginylalanylglycylvalylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparag inylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleucylasparaginylhistidylleucy lvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparaginylalanylalany lprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylser ylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylas partylalanylglycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylser ylalanylisoleucylvalyllysylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhi stidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylprolylglutamyllysylmethio nylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalylglutaminylp rolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine.


1,193 letters. Unless you know better?

The Importance of Proofreading

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves beneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the 'R' , we missed the ' R' !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...CELEB RATE !!! "

Down Under

Woke up to an email this morning from an editor of an Oz mag wanting to buy the 2nd Rights to a short story I sent her in May. As I'd forgotten she still had it, it came as a nice surprise. My Christmas fund is stacking up nicely.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Whether or not it's a publicity stunt remains to be seen, but thousands (nay, millions) of readers will be sad to hear the last Lemony Snicket book, the thirteenth in the series, has been published.

For those not familiar with LS, the books follow the adventures of the three wealthy Baudelaire children who are sent to live with a distant relative, Count Olaf, after their parents are killed in a fire. Cousin Olaf isn't the kindly guardian they'd hoped for as he plans to kill them and seize their fortune.

Jim Carrey played Count Olaf in the movie - a brilliant role for him, I thought.


Book Blurb Quote :

You are presumably looking at the back of this book, or the end of the end. The end of the end is the best place to begin the end, because if you read the end from the beginning of the beginning of the end to the end of the end of the end, you will arrive at the end of the end of your rope. - Lemony Snicket

Foggy Thoughts

Is it really Tuesday? Where did the weekend go? I know I spent most of it fiddling with the new PC and getting it just so...

One short story sale to report to Allas, Sweden. Been a while since I got a sale with them so especially pleased. As a writing mate remarked, 'It's like an old friend appearing out of a dense fog'. Sums it up perfectly.

NaNoWriMo's upon us again. I admire anyone who signs up for masochistic task. The thought of completing a novel, however dire, in 30 days... sends me queasy just thinking about it.

History Matters

Taken from the History Matters website:

History Matters - pass it on is all about raising awareness of the importance of history in our everyday lives and encouraging involvement in heritage in England and Wales. Our goal is to build public support and interest in looking after our history and heritage - today and in the future.
We know that history is something many people feel strongly about. But in the rush of our daily lives it's all too easy to take it for granted. And when it comes to the order of public priorities history is often sidelined. We urge you to join the campaign and show your support. Collectively the events taking place and opinions expressed will demonstrate the importance of history and heritage to the nation and become a unique record of our time.

Want to know why you can't sell your stories to the women's magazines?

First off, it probably has nothing to do with how well you write. That doesn't mean you can send out a sloppy ms. Note: See FAQ on guidelines in the archives.
It means, no amount of literary prose will impress a magazine editor unless it's what she/he is looking for. It must 'fit' his/her magazine (look I'm sick of being PC and writing 'his/her' so in future it's 'her' okay?).

I've seen some beautiful writing by folk with far greater experience/literary talent than I have, yet they can't sell to the womags. So, what are the eds looking for?

'I'll know it when I see it', is their usual response. I think they go as much with gut instinct as anything. But, they are experts at it and let's not forget their jobs rely on them getting it right.

So how do we please them?

• Your story has to be a satisfying read - a hook at the beginning, no saggy middle and you must tie up all the loose ends at the finish. A reader should go 'Ahhh' at the close, not 'What the f***?'


• The characters must be well-drawn, the sort their readership would recognise and identify with. You don't find many tattooed, bikers living with unmarried mums in The People's Friend, or wool shop owners wearing Tweed (the cloth or the perfume take yer pick) in Take A Break...see what I mean?


• Your character must come up against a problem which she resolves in a satisfying and believable way. The solution must be something she works through, not a sudden 'cavalry coming over the hill' type of closure. Remember Bobby Ewing waking up in the shower in Dallas?


• And this is the hardest criteria to meet...it must be something an ed hasn't seen before. Something original. Or at least a different 'take' on an old plot.

Sorry? You've made sure your story meets all the above requirements and still you can't get an acceptance? Then there's always the other reasons for non acceptance...

• It was the right story at the wrong time. Magazines plan about 4 mths ahead. Don't send a summer holiday story out in August. Likewise don't send a Christmas one out in November.


• The ed loves your story but she needed a 1000 word story and you sent in 2000 and there isn't time to ask you to cut it, so she chooses the next in the slushpile.


• The story was well-written with great characters and a smashing ending BUT the editor regrets she took something similar last week.


• The editor has bought far too many recently - enough for another six months. Make a note of this and re-send when the six months are up.

I'm sure there're a dozen other reasons if I had time to think of them (I have to feed the family sometime)

Conclusion: If you know you can write, don't take a rejection to mean your story is unsaleable. Try a different mag. One with similar guidelines, obviously, unless you're prepared to edit to fit...which a writer with a professional approach will almost certainly do.

Sales!

Two sales to report today after a rather bleak couple of weeks - hurrah! One to UK mag the other to an Australian publication. The Oz one is going in over three pages, so more dosh than usual, yay! Maybe I should've plumped for the more expensive laptop?

Laptop update

I've ordered a Fujitsu Seimens Amilo L7320G after a really nice guy from Comet talked me out of different model I 'thought' I wanted. He pointed out that I get more memory, the same processor speed PLUS Microsoft Works for the same price...I only hope he wasn't on commission for the Fujitsu..oh, he was?

Is It Me?

I'm thinking of updating my laptop - got a buyer for the present one and I have a bit of cash put by from a recent sale to Woman's Weekly so I trotted off to a well-known store full of expectations. I've come home sans laptop. Why?

Because the model I wanted comes with extras such as an infra red mouse, carry case, and Norton Security - none of which I need or want, BUT I DO need Microsoft Works/Office which the model doesn't have installed.

Why, I asked, couldn't I swap the free goodies for Works?
Because that's not the deal, said the assistant.

No amount of begging would sway her so I left without making a purchase...which would have been around £600. Seems ridiculous to me when Office cost around £119 and the 'free' goodies were the same price.

Oh well, I shall search the Internet instead and when 'well-known' store moans they're having to cut staff in-store, I'll know why!

Writer's block

"To be honest, I've always felt that block is something afflicting only those who don't depend on their writing income to pay the mortgage/school fees/grocery bills etc." - Anne Weale, novelist.

There's a lot of truth in that! There's also lots of advice out there on how to beat The Block. Here's my tip:

Imagine, instead of a writer, you're an athlete...a long distance runner perhaps. You've strained a calf muscle, you want to run but you're incapable, or at least when you try to take a few paces, it hurts like hell. What do you do? Rest it a while? Give up running?

The professional athlete knows the best way to heal is to keep it active, get a good physio on the job and slowly he'll achieve peak fitness once more.

That's what writers should do. Don't stare at a blank screen/page and groan in despair, massage that brain! Write anything...an email, update your blog (cough!) WRITE ABOUT YOUR BLOCK IF YOU WANT, BUT WRITE, DAMN IT!

News flash - Pope sees sense.

I see the Pope's decreed that from now on unbaptised children will not automatically go to Limbo on their death. Limbo, in case you were unaware, is a place where the unbaptised "do not have the joy of God but neither do they suffer . . . they do not deserve Paradise, but neither do they deserve Hell or Purgatory".

I had my first 2 children baptised, not because I was religious, but because my family expected it of me.
By the time my twins came along, I'd decided we could have the party without the religious blessing, so they remained unbaptised. Something I have no regrets over. They have grown to become beautiful, well-mannered, honest, hard-working adults of whom I'm extremely proud. If God had no place for them in Heaven under his old rules, it would be His loss. I'm glad He's thought it through! I like the idea of a reasonable God...not sure I believe he exists but...

Note: What's with the funereal theme today?